mono/poly and mental health issues
Sorry it's long. I'm completely new to this and looking for perspective on if this is even salvageable. I'm mono & have lived with my BF for 9 years. 6 years ago, I had a 9 month affair with his best friend, who lived with us. I was given a chance, and worked hard to repair the broken damage and trust. Things slowly returned to normal and things seemed happy for the past several years.
6 months ago, he admitted that he had a one night stand Nov 2012. He didn't cut cut off contact with her until our vacation in May, because of her threats to tell me if he did so. He only told me because she said was sending an email to me. He was very remorseful, but told me that he can't promise he'll never cheat again. He said that he dealt with my love for another man by figuring out that he can love more than one person, and that he refuses to go the rest of his life having dated only me. (After my affair years ago, he admitted that he lied about having dating or sexual experiences before me because he assumed I would have turned him down if I knew)
I considered the benefits, but told him I needed time. I wanted to rebuild my trust first. He kept pushing me to give him the okay, didn't want to wait, said he NEEDED this, that he'll be resentful if we don't. I decided that because of the affair, it was only fair. So I reluctantly gave him the go-ahead. He set up an Okcupid account. But then he started breaking agreements. Such as NOT keeping me in the dark of what was going on (one of my rules). I caught him in little lies. His excuses were that since I was reluctant, he felt weird telling me what was going on. When he came back from his first date, I was upset and trying so hard to just deal with it. It frustrated him to see me upset, but I was trying so hard to just own up to my own feelings and deal.
I concluded I can't have a relationship like this, that maybe I should move on- citing my trust issues and mistreatment. He said he would stop trying to date this girl because our relationship was more important to him. The girl wasn't interested in poly at the time, but as SOON as she contacted him, he informed me he was going out to eat with her. His reasoning was that "I didn't know we had closed the relationship" We fought a lot because when I told him how I felt, he got defensive. When I told him that I was still trying to regain trust, he said "I said I was sorry for lying!" as if that wiped the slate clean and he was entitled to instant trust. Also, he had never said sorry. It seemed like he was revising history to me because he never actually said sorry. In his mind he remembered saying it. : ( When I explained that building trust takes time, he said all frustrated "you're right, you're right"
He agreed to close the relationship and things seemed back to normal. Over time, he drifted into a depression and felt resentful. He told me he feared he might wind up cheating on me out of frustration. He said he would do things right this time. We set ground rules. He went out with someone. He started to become angry and depressed because she didn't seem to feel the same way. Then he admitted that he had slept with her the first date and that she was giving him mixed signals. I was angry that he broke our agreement again. We had a huge argument where he made it clear that he did not want to talk about it because he was sick of fighting. The girl was leading him on, flaking out on him and he was taking it out on me. At one point he punched a decorative box of mine out of frustration. He was constantly moody around me. Telling him how I felt about that made him feeling"attacked" "frustrated". Another time she invited him to event, and he invited me to go with her. But then he uninvited me because he decided he wanted to talk to her one on one. After she cancelled on him, he reinvited me. I told him how I felt about being treated this way, and his attitude was "I'm inviting you now aren't ? Can't we just have a good time? Why do you have to bring this up now?" As soon as things ended with the other girl, he tearfully apologized for the way he treated me.
Now he's been dating a new girl for 3 weeks and going very fast, despite saying that he would take things slow. He was very impatient at me for not becoming comfortable with everything at his pace. For instance, once he decided he was now comfortable with his GF showing affection with his metamour in front of him, he asked me to hang out with him and her and be affectionate together. When I told him I wasn't comfortable with that yet, he got extremely frustrated over "how unfortunately slow you want to take things." He then reconsidered and tried to slow the relationship down with her. This didn't last of course. He started sleepovers with her Tuesdays, Fridays, and coming back in the middle of the night Saturday. She was over an additional day per week in his tabletop games. He made an effort to spend time with me, but was extremely irritable. I never knew when he would snap at me. I told how I felt about how I was being treated, he would get defensive. This triggered arguments. He asked that we take a break, he was so sick of fighting. He began ignoring me for the other girl. I'm not proud that during his next overnight with her, I went through a bottle and a half of wine. (I almost never drink). When he came home and realized what I drank, he said he couldn't take it, it was a trigger for him (moms an alcoholic).
He suggested we both take separate vacations to get a break from each other. I was blindsighted when he said he's taking his new girlfriend on the vacation that WE had planned on going originally. Another slap was that he planned on paying for everything for her because she made little money. I expressed my hurt, he told me he invited her while upset about my wine fiasco. I dropped the subject, hoping when things were calm, we'd talk things through. The next overnight with her, he texted me that he's still taking her on vacation on the west coast for a week since he already bought tickets the day after the wine bottle fiasco. She'll be meeting his dad. They've only dated 3 weeks! Yes he'll be paying for everything.
He started this poly thing knowing he was in the middle of a depression, against my suggestion to deal with the depression first and get treatment. His family has a history of mental illness- his mother is borderline and bipolar, his only sibling has borderline. He suspects he is one or both of those. He was angry when I suggested therapy, but is now considering it.
I told him I need to feel I can talk so him about issues without him getting defensive and irritable. He only considers my point after acting badly first, and I don't feel safe bringing subjects up because of that. He says that I'M not meeting him halfway because I treat him like he has no redeemable qualities when I bring up issues. He said he was sorry he hurt me, that I don't deserve him. He told me he got defensive all the times i brought things up because he knows I'm right, but that he doesn't want to hear it. He says he's trying to be a better partner but that it's hard because he's not sure how. He complains that I'm not giving him a chance, says he'll start therapy soon. That he doesn't want to end things. But it seems like he's putting all his energy into his new relationship. It's telling that by "break" he meant whisking his new g/f off on a trip that WE were supposed to go on. And paying for it! How is that supposed to benefit our relationship?
Before he admitted to the one night stand, our relationship was wonderful. He was nothing but trustworthy. He never mistreated me. I don't understand how this monster took over my BF. 9 years of wonderful and now this : ( Any suggestions on what I can do to help him snap out of this? He says he'll go to therapy but that he won't end the relationship with her.
Last edited by polyconflicted; 11-17-2013 at 10:03 PM.