Thread: Hi from Here
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:39 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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"Our counselor is pretty good, but we don't have extremely frequent sessions because of insurance issues. I feel as though it's become an emergency though. I am thinking of printing out the emails of this argument and just bringing them to her and having her evaluate them."
Sounds like a good idea to me.

"I want to ask her once and for all: is this need healthy, or not? Is this something that *is* healthy, but for some reason, he just cannot do? These are my questions. I simply do not get why if someone loves someone and believes in them and wants to be with them, its so freakin hard to get them to *just say it.* You can see he accused me of a lot of weird things on several occassions, while totally sidestepping what I actually told him ... What in the world am I doing wrong? or, am I correct, and he is just messing with my head?"
Umm yep, those are definitely questions and thoughts you should ask and express to your counselor.

"I really don't think, my communication is quite as bad as he continually tells me it is. I really honestly think, that he is just messing with me and trying to make me feel crazy so he doesn't have to do something he doesn't want to do."
There's a word for that, it's called gaslighting. He's purposely manipulating you psychologically such that you question your own sanity -- per Wiktionary. There's also a Wikipedia article on the subject that you might want to check out.

"I guess to continue this I should move it to another section of the forum? If I should continue this elsewhere please let me know."
The mods might move it automatically if they see fit. You can also ask them to move it; if you want to, visit the Moderators and administrators page.

Or like you said, you can just start a new thread on another board to continue this topic; if you do that then just be sure to start that thread off with a link to this thread for reference purposes.


Now, really, there is something wrong with him if he can't see that you simply need him to tell you that he thinks you're doing a good job in the relationship, or at least that he can see you're doing your best and he appreciates it, and that he has faith in the future of the relationship and would like you to stay with him. If he can't say that, then there's something seriously wrong, and I'm afraid it could be one of the following:
  • he really doesn't feel good about the relationship, or
  • he just doesn't like you.
And if the latter, we still couldn't know whether he at least used to like you, or if he did, what caused him to stop liking you.

The problem could easily be both of the above bulleted items.

I don't think he shows much care/concern for your feelings. His care and concern seem to be directed inward; that is, he wants to know how to attain his own self-centered objectives, not how to help you attain your hopes, wants, needs, and dreams. I fear he just isn't able to recognize your feelings as being a valid part of reality. Only his feelings, goals, and agendas matter in his mind.

Besides couple's counseling, I suspect that he is in need of individual counseling for himself. Either he needs to learn to be more honest (toward both you and himself) about his feelings about you and the relationship, or he needs to learn to be more forthright (toward you especially) about his feelings about you and the relationship. Since he clearly can't and/or isn't willing to do either, then he's in some kind of a state of deep verbal (and probably mental) denial. What's causing that I don't know, but in my opinion he needs some heavy duty psychiatric evaluation.

It seems to me like you've attempted to explain to him in many ways, shapes, and forms, what you need him to do, and have tackled the explanation from many different angles. Sometimes there might have been a way to explain it to him in simpler or clearer terms, but the point is, after this much effort, plus the considerable variety of words and layouts you've used, he should have easily been able to get the point by now -- and I suspect that he has gotten the point; he just doesn't want to admit that because it would inconvenience him.

He's comfortable with a certain pattern of attitudes and modes of expression. He doesn't want to bother breaking out of that comfort zone. So instead, he gaslights you into thinking you're nuts so you'll stop bothering him about it. It's an avoidance technique in this case.

I could be wrong but things are sounding pretty seriously bad from this end of the screen. As stated before, I'd give him a fixed amount of time to start showing some verbal improvement, mark it on the calendar and inform him about it. If the date comes and goes and he still refuses to express anything good he sees in you and the relationship, then I'd regretfully cut the ties with him.

It's all well and good that he's giving you some words of affirmation in some areas, but the *one* area you need his affirming words the most in, he is refusing to help you in that area. He is essentially "sneaking around that 'undesirable' task."

I would actually suggest you print out this entire thread so far, give your counselor the print-out, and ask her to evaluate it thoroughly with an eye towards how serious the situation is. It's serious because, if for no other reason, it's essentially tearing you apart.

You deserve better.
With sympathies,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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