Roller coaster fun
So Friday, when he had is date with the potential FWB. I had a spectacularly busy day, a good part of it spent trying to prevent someone from getting unjustly fired. I worked till 8pm, I really needed to catch up from all the lost poly obsession time. I had a backup plan in case I started freaking out but I didnít need it. Watched a movie and went to sleep and I really wanted to be when he came home so I didnít have to deal with him.
I didnít want to wonder about it so in the morning I asked him if he fucked her, he had. He went to work for the morning and I went crazy in my head. The urge to break up with him was enormous and persistent. I exercised, called three trusted advisors, wrote, prayed, went to a meeting, all to not throw away the good that we have created. We talked and when asked directly, he admitted that he had fucked A too but didnít tell me because he was afraid of my reaction. I told him that I understood about being afraid of my reaction but that he needed to put his big boy pants on.
I told him body wanted to vomit, my mind wanted to change the locks and my heart was broken. He claims to have had no idea that I was so distressed. I pointed out the extent and frequency of my crying over the last months. Frequent weeping didnít penetrate his denial but changing the locks did. Fuck. We talked, talked, got better, when to presentation about D/s relationships and I was reminded what was lacking in ours, A was there. She is fine, itís the just added stressor. I was hysterical in the car and at home, went to a meeting, had dinner, returned to my old affectionate self, massaged him in front of the fire till he fell asleep. I woke up so so sad and asked myself why and remembered and sobbed out loud and woke him up.
Why am I writing this? Not sure. I donít want to reactivate myself about the whole thing. To remember how up and down it is? I can build an entire case about how immature and irresponsible heís been. I can build a case about how all this is based on my reactions and itís my responsibility to change. I can build a case that we are each perfectly suited to provide learning opportunities that we each desperately need Ė for me it would be to lighten up and have fun and donít try to control and for him it would be to get out of denial and step up to take responsibility for choices he has made.
Oh whatever, Iím done tussling with it for now. I need to do laundry, trim roses, walk with friend, clean, pickup food for party, go to the party, then fetch and hang out with Pop. Ugg I donít want my father over to dinner when things feel so unstable.
@Spock thank you, I am under tremendous stress and Iím sure that is much of it. My body is much more sensitive than my mind. My body says fuck you no before my mind does. Even before this poly upheaval, Iíd been upset at my partner but didnít talk about it enough and my body said fuck you no. I get and really empathize with you and your wifeís different ways of coping. To me that is hardest situation, when both people have legitimate but opposite needs Ė no one can be blamed or should have to change because neither is wrong.
Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration