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Old 11-17-2013, 04:07 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

Hi Natja - nice purchase with those tuppence.

Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Not sure why the desire to be 'exclusive' if as Poly people you accept that exclusive does not equal commitment.
A great point - right now, I'm writing while thinking about and putting myself in AM's shoes. She wants a sense of commitment and importance, a place where she (incoming to two people who have been in a long marriage that has previously struggled with poly) wants to know that there are times when she "comes first." And it's not even about being "first" so much as counting on my (or WI's) presence, when needed.

Commitment is such a deep concept, and it's so often not about what others do, but what you feel on the inside. I was, during some difficult times in my marriage, pretty unsure about my wife's commitment to me. It had nothing to do with vows, with exclusivity, or what she was actually doing with me. It had to do with my seeing and accepting the "with me" part of her actions, and trusting that she'd keep staying.

Why not leave it up to each individual to determine what commitment means to them without having to mould it into standards that suit the will of one?
Yeah, there's no "will of one" in this situation. It's just that (as I've said elsewhere) AM and WI have no desire to enter these boards or talk about these issues anonymously. So I think from their end, try to learn about their thinking by listening to others, and hope that what I learn can be of use when as we move to wherever it is we're going.
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