Originally Posted by pulliman
I can imagine there are some triads that are monogamous to the triad (i.e., closed, poly-fi). How do three people negotiate that moment? In a binary couple, someone might propose to someone else, or you have The Talk about exclusivity, or whatever it might be. How does a triad do that?
I don't know that we ever sat down and formally talked out being poly-fi. I see many people discuss the importance of triads allowing for partners outside of the relationship, but that was never something that came up. None of us is interested in anyone else. We are busy, we are focused on our family and careers. I feel the best when I'm with my partners, and choose to spend all my spare time focusing on our family, so the idea of other partners just isn't appealing to me. I don't know if that would always be true. Perhaps I might meet someone in the future that I clicked with. I guess I would deal with that situation at that point. I was married for a decade and never interested in anyone besides my husband, until I met my girlfriend.
We probably wouldn't be poly if we hadn't stumbled into each other. I guess I can say the same was true of my marriage, my husband and I just kind of met and never stopped talking. That is the way I think of it. With my gf, it was the same. We started hanging out together, then she started coming over and hanging out with my husband and I, then we got drunk and slept together. Then, well, we never stopped talking.
There were a number of times when I thought 'can we make this work' and had serious doubts. Those times were always about outside forces, negative reactions from family after coming out, people giving us a hard time at our kid's school, etc. Further, I found a lack of support for triads in the online community. Most people posting on this board discuss how triads don't work, blow up, people get hurt, etc. The idea that you are ALL ALONE can be so overwhelming.
The inherent privileges of being a 'normal' in society are only completely visible once you lose them. I had to step away from the outside world and focus on my relationship. I had to stop letting fear and outside forces have a negative impact on me, because this relationship is the best thing for me. I love my partners immensely. How do you know you are right for each other? How does anyone? You just KNOW. When I met my husband, I just KNEW he was for me. I was 19, but that didn't matter. When my relationship with my gf formed, it was a bit fuzzier because of the swirl of outside world forces, but when I mentally stripped all that away, I just KNEW she was for me too.
Ack, I feel like language is inadequate to describe these things.