Be careful not to use the word "boundaries" to thinly veil what are actually "rules."
Boundaries are only about you and how people treat you. Lying to your husband and tricking him into going to a sex party is not a violation of your boundaries. They may be a violation of his, but then send him here to get advice about how to deal with his girlfriend. It's not your place.
If your husband agreed not go to sex parties, and then he was tricked into going to a sex party, then it's his responsibility to say "You tricked me, this is a sex party, I'm going home." Problem solved. If he didn't leave, then your problem is with him breaking the agreement, not his girlfriend lying to him.
Asking your partner not to do certain behaviours when they're not around you has nothing to do with primary privileges or boundaries. It's about control. There are exceptions where those behaviours pose a risk to your personal health and safety, such as unprotected sex or problem gambling. But just going to a sex party does not put your personal safety at risk.
That being said, some partners choose to give control over certain aspects of their life by making agreements to things that they may not be thrilled about. My husband has agreed not to use his credit card for anything but hotels when he's working out of town. He doesn't like it, but he agreed because he acknowledges that I know more about managing money that he does, and my track record with the savings account speaks for itself.
We don't need to be enthusiastic about the activities our partners pursue in their own free time. I don't need to love the fact that my husband gets drunk with his coworkers to unwind and male-bond after a week's worth of 16 hour work shifts. But he's an adult and he gets to make his own choices and be responsible for his own behaviour. I respect his autonomy and I trust him not to make poor decisions. If you don't feel the same way about your own husband, then why are you with him?
Regarding #4, that's completely her right. She's not dating you and she's not parenting your kids. She has no obligation to any of you. If she just wants time with your husband and not the rest of the package, and he's happy to have it that way, then you need to accept that. If she only sees him once a week, why do you need to phone him during that time? Real emergencies aside, surely it can wait until he gets home?
I don't need labels to define me. They're sticky and I hate the glue they leave behind.
Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-17-2013 at 02:57 AM.