Originally Posted by JadeDoor
He said it's a taboo he just can't get past and that I'm having an incestuous affair.
An incestuous affair would be you dating your own brother.
In our culture (being western society), polyamory is taboo anyway, so the question of whether dating his brother is "more taboo" is kinda ridiculous. Taboo is taboo.
Our culture validates the fantasy of a guy having a threesome with a set of hot twins. So ignoring patriarchy, you're within cultural norms regarding incest.
If we lived in a place and time where non-monogamy was widely accepted, then our culture would have a different set of taboos about with whom you ought and ought not to have relations. But that's moot because we're not lucky enough to live in such a culture.
Taboo is culture-specific, but there are places where it is customary for sisters to be married off to the same man. There are other cultures where when a man dies, his next eldest brother must marry his widows to make sure they are provided for and so that their wealth stays in the family.
What's "too strange" "too much of a taboo" "crossing boundaries" in poly? Neverwhere suggested talking to more seasoned poly people to see if maybe it's just a hang up of his.
If you're looking for us to be The Authority and tell you What is Right and What is Wrong, you're not going to find it. If you do, be highly suspicious.
There is no universal "too strange" "too much of a taboo" "crossing boundaries" in poly. It's all about what works for the people involved.
Clearly, you dating his brother does not work for your husband.
In my opinion, he needs to leave. He's tried to get ok with you dating his brother, but he can't. He's asked you to stop dating his brother, but you don't want to, and it's not his right to force you. So, if he doesn't like the situation he's in, he needs to leave it.
We don't get to control the behaviours of others. We only get to control our own behaviours. He has 4 choices for his own behaviour:
- get ok with it
- stay without liking it, but stop making a fuss about it
- stay without liking it, and keep making a fuss about it
Making you leave Mark is not on his list of options. So far he's been choosing 4. It is his perogative to keep doing that until he drives you away, but it won't be pretty. While it's true that leaving Mark is on your list of options, that's not at all up to Nevermore and he has to stop thinking it is.
You seem firm that you don't want to choose. So it's up to you to show him that you're resolute, that you are NOT going to make that choice, and that you want him to stop asking for it IMMEDIATELY because it's disrespectful and hurtful and manipulative. In other words, stop letting him believe that making you choose is actually on his list of potential behaviours.
Every time you come here and try to find any other way out, you're sending him the message that he just has to try harder, find the right angle, push just your right buttons, and eventually you'll give in. Let him know that it ain't gonna happen and if he really feels that the situation he's in has got to end, then it's his responsibility to end it by walking away. Period.