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Old 11-16-2013, 06:37 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 532
Red face

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You seem like you are on your way to cooling off. Kudos!

I'd like to lift these up....

How does him expressing doubt to you mean "he is pissing on our love? He could not mean "I feel safe enough in this relationship to disclose my vulnerable parts. I need reassuring" when he expresses these doubts to you?

What about his communication behavior was objectionable?
  • The timing?
  • The vocab choices?
  • The tone of voice?
  • That he had these feelings at all?
  • That he talked about this at all?

Was he aware of your buttons? No. He does not seem to have dinged you on purpose.

Are you saying you will never forgive him for dinging you in places he was not aware were sore spots?

It cuts it fine, but you could note the BEHAVIOR done by WHO. Like if you played it out like a slow motion movie in your head.

He does not get you emotional. You feel whatever it is you feel. You HAVE emotions that you get to experience and express appropriately. Sometimes the internal weather is fun like sunny days and sometimes not so fun like stormy skies. Either way? They blow on through. Emotions are only internal weather.

After feeling X, whatever emotional management behavior you choose to do or do not do, is up to you.
  • His behavior: He asks you a question.
  • Your (thinking) behavior: You think he's judging you.
  • Your emotional feedback: You start to get mad when you think that he is judging you.
  • Next behavior you pick: You decide to get back at him

Is this behavior helping to keep your mad going or helping you to let the mad go?

Is this behavior
(destructive to the relationship) or (constructive to the relationship)?
If your shared goal is to become more secure and stable, how is that behavior you doing your part to help arrive at the goal?

There's no external conflict between you and BF at this point. He's simply asking you a question. You could answer it or not.

Where is the conflict? Internal conflict (inside you). I know it is hard to stay cool when you feel a WHOOSH! bubble up. Happens to all of us sooner or later.

But... still needs doing if you want to be in right relationship with your BF.

If you have baggage left over from an ex who used to judge you, you could decide to to do the work to let it go and drop it. Rather than carry it around and pile on your new BF's head. It seems to be getting in the way of being present and attending to whatever the BF brings up with good communication. That could take some work, but it could serve you better so you experience less inner conflict and communicate better with the BF in the long run.

Could remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and the feeling.

Could remember you are not your past, and HE is also not your past BF.

I hope you are able to cool off and tomorrow's talk is constructive.

Hang in there!
You are so very right. I should be honored that he displays his vounerability! I am, too... I tell him all the time to be honest with me. There comes a price with that, that I have to face whatever comes up from that. It is not really that I complain that he brought it up, it is just that I too was feeling a need for reassurance; That I am attractive, that he loves me, that I should get to take part in our future. Well, the timing could have been better! I too could take responsability to not talk as much when we are both not in the best shape.

He did not push my bottons on purpose. It was a reminder of past hurts that I was only half aware of myself. He is aware of my one botton that is fear that he will leave me for being poly, because I have told him, he always says he will never do that. But I feel sometimes so very helpless, that what I do is never ever enough. My husband told me today it is not all my responsability. My boyfriend has to do some of the walk alone... It helps to remember that.

I guess I have been happy feeling most of the time that we don't have "any problems" (apart from our one quarrel before). Maybe I should snap out of the honeymoon phase and just realize there will be emotional work here, as with any other relationship. I know what he does and my reacations are not the same thing... I just want to feel like he takes care of me, because he has done so, wonderfully, so far... But perhaps this one is on me, because of his fears I have to help him, whatever I can.

I am more sad than angry today. I realize parts of these feelings have to do with things he has not done and maybe I should not bring it to his attention either. He seemed happy on the phone a while ago, so maybe he got his answers. Anyway I look forward to Skyping with him again.
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