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Old 11-16-2013, 06:02 AM
PolyMC PolyMC is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 11
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Lots more to think about indeed (and not to worry, I don't feel attacked or berated)...

When I first realized I was wired as a poly I was already 7 years into my second marriage (with "A"). I'll admit that my discovery had been spawned by a severe disparity in our sex drives...I've been told that I'm "insatiable" for as long as I can remember..."A" not so much as he hadn't had a lot of experience with women, and we met a year after his first marriage of 14 years ended. He can go for weeks, sometimes months without. When he got a second job a couple of years ago, it was mostly night shift so there's been even less time that we spent together, although we've been making a conscious effort lately to spend more quality time together on his days off.

One of the first things I struggled with once I realized that I was a poly is that I had made a lifetime commitment to "A", which included monogomy in the vows ("forsaking all others"). Neither one of us wants to end the marriage--we both believe in our bond and there is very little, if anything, that could break it. Part of what's helping him to cope with the situation is that both "M" and "T" would be, at best, long-distance relationships in which we'd only be in each others' presence a couple of times a year. So while there isn't an imminent trip in the next few days, he can almost be in denial about the whole thing (he's definitely in the DADT category). Also, I have yet to "act on" my desires with either "M" or "T" -- I know that "A" really appreciates that we're discussing all this beforehand so that he's not also dealing with a sense of betrayal had this happened after the fact. And I'm still at a point where if he is completely insistent that this can't happen, I can remain living as a mono and none of the men would be hurt.

So in a nutshell, I guess that we're still in discussions about relaxing the "sexual exclusivity" element of our marriage (nothing else would change). And in answer to the latest questions, "A" has told me that I fulfill everything he needs and he has no desire to make any "special" friendships outside the marriage. Maybe because he had always expected that I felt the same, this is all throwing him a real curve ball. I would have liked to disclose this to him early on, but I didn't even know for sure myself until quite recently. (In my early adulthood and between marriages, I was something of a "serial monogomist".)

Another question I've been pondering lately: does anyone ever really *know* that they have a poly mindset before they suddenly find themselves, as I did, in a situation where you realize that you truly romantically love more than one (despite everything that a strict religious upbringing has taught you about the way relationships *should* be)?

As far as time constraints go, we pretty much have until Christmas to come to some sort of agreement as the trip to visit "M" and friends is shortly after that. And "A" understands and accepts that any "veto power" he might have in the beginning of (or before) an outside relationship is no longer valid once the outside relationship has begun in full force...but I'm nowhere near to that point yet. "A" is somewhat comforted by the fact that "M" has not shown any reciprocal interest as of yet...and there's nothing indicating that would change on this upcoming trip.
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