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Old 11-16-2013, 01:19 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 606
Question Boyfriend asked if I am only after sex, how to validate him?


I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of months. My long distance relationship with him seems to be going well despite us not knowing each other well before we had to part . The two of us talk on phone and Skype every day, my husband and him talk every week, we plan him visiting here and so on. My husband is happy about my BF. Me and BF are very much in love, and vocal about it, he often says I make him feel very loved . Still there are things in this relationship that may make my BF less comfortable. He is monogamous and was looking for a monogamous girlfriend - when he fell for me. He says he want to be with me so much he will make things work. My nightmare is that he will end us becaue of the long distance, or the polyamory, or both. He seems in general more and more comfortable sharing me with my husband, but he also sometimes voices doubts. They can hurt.

Today on Skype he asked me if I liked what he does in bed. In the beginning I thought he was flirting with me, but this time no such luck. Because when I answered that I love his bed skills, he asked if I would have continued the relationship with him if he had not been so skilled... Very hypothetical! I love the sexual part of our relation and he seems to do too. We also have a wonderful connection outside of bed. But I know that he has felt used for sex in a previous (long distance) relationship - I feel that coming up every once in a while, and think to myself that I perhaps have to help to heal those wounds. But how to do this? I do not know how to express to him how hurt I feel. It is not like he said i AM only after sex, but he was sort of asking the question. Even the suggestion is hurtful to me, and makes me uncomfortable about initiating sex or even flirting next time. I am afraid that I will become guilty for being turned on by . and if he is re-living bad memories I do not know how to help him deal with that. It is also a bad reminder of the time my ex, who I was very much in love with at the time, asked me if I was into him only for his looks - I feel just as judged as back then, if not more. I am glad my BF tells me what is on his mind (we try to keep it honest and open). Still I am not sure how to deal with his questions.... any thoughts?

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-16-2013 at 01:34 AM.
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