Updates on myself later I suppose
Wow things have changed around here, people leaving, relationships collapsing, long time polys going mono, people putting relationships on hold completely. One of the reasons I joined the forum was because it was so great to see it working for someone! Its getting a little scary around here.
My favorite thing about this forum now is how much I've learned about myself in thinking about advice I would give to others. I don't actually post too often but its so easy to rattle off what you think right away when it's someone else's problem. It's funny how much harder it is to see things that way when it is my own problem. I am so thankful for that insight into myself. I wish I had more time to collect that stuff here.
A big theme in my reactions over and over is don't live based in fear. In every other facet of life I hate the idea of sacrificing freedom for safety and it is so easy for me to recognize these sacrifices never actually result in safety. Of course I want to value freedom as highly in my relationships.
This has become so clear to me now. The other day a friend posted a picture of locks on a bridge in Paris and was explaining to someone else how couples put them there as a symbol of their love and my immediate reaction was EW! A lock is the LAST symbol of love I would choose. Another just posted a quote about cherishing moments and people in your life because you never know when it will be your last. Uhh.. how about cherishing them for reasons that aren't being afraid. You know like... because you enjoy life and you like those people! Not because you might lose it. Ugh!
The amount of insecurity problems raised here has taught me to realize no one is secure. It seems ridiculous how hard people rail against the insecurity caused by non-monogamy. If you actually bother to notice, monogamy doesn't offer security either. Nor does marriage. People can and will leave you at any moment for any reason. if you consider the love of another person a threat, monogamy is what dictates the likelihood of that "threat" resulting in your partner leaving you.
Polyamory is how the love of another person means I don't have to leave you.
I don't think that means polyamory provides security, nothing does that. I don't even think that makes polyamory better because it isn't important if you don't want to love more than one person. That is where I feel polyamory is a "wired" issue. I don't see it as believing it does or doesn't work, that it is right or wrong, better or worse, you just either feel it or you don't. It chose me, I chose to act on it. I still don't believe everyone is or everyone has the potential to be. I believe some people are monoamorous, choose monogamy for that, not for security.