My boss got upset with me yesterday, because she is fighting so hard to maintain our department and on some level I'm accepting of it's demise. I didn't get it until I was lying sleepless after my conversation with him about formalizing his relationship with A. I thought fuck him, if he is not "all in" then why am I? Apparently I think that "all in" means monogamy.
When I learned that he was considering A, my first thought was "well I guess we're not getting married." Because apparently I think that a polyamorous partner is not marriage material. Then I thought "well if we're not headed towards marriage, then why are we living together." That lead to a lot of internal storminess.
So here I'm today, taking off work to take Pops to doctor 'cause really you don't want him on the road. My boss isn't thrilled with me because I'm out on the day when so many others are out. I'm trying to work from home until I need to leave and once again I'm wasting time working through fucking poly issues.
So what if I try another way to deal with this. The idea of liberty, to release the constraints of how he "should" be in a relationship, the "should" created by society and my parents and my experience of 52 years on this planet. I love the idea of freedom for him. For a variety of reasons, I don't think much about freedom for me. But if I did, I think about spending my time as I would like to spend it, not worrying about being so available to him. Maybe seeing a friend on the weekend, a meeting every day, not worrying about having dinner for him. I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else but I would like to spend money the way I want. So that freedom might make me feel less resentful in the short term but where would we end up in the long term. He has his life, I have my life, maybe growing apart maybe growing together. I don't know how to commit to a relationship without making choices that favor him over other things. Maybe it's a continuum and maybe I don't need to take it so far one way or another.
I can see that without attention, we could grow apart and I really don't want that to happen. He doesn't seem worried about that and wants to have fun in the moment. He doesn't believe that his outside relationship choices -especially as they are now - have really any impact on me. And I agree, as things are now there is no real impact. But it is highly unlikely that is how things will stay based on what I know of him and her. You can argue that I should just let it all play out -- and that is what I'm going to do. But you can argue that this something so important to me, if I don't fight for it now, when will I fight. But what does fighting look like, trying to change him? That just can't be the answer. But change me? Why is that the answer. There are very few things I know right now, but one is that I don't want to marry someone who has another serious relationship. On a gut level I don't want to fuck someone who is regularly fucking someone else. No logic to that, its just how I feel.
Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration