Originally Posted by willowstar
Yes, making demands that a certain partner "has to" socialize with the family can come across that way. However, I wonder if perhaps these people are craving or desiring community. I know quite a few poly people who prefer "inclusive" love styles, where everyone knows everyone else. And stating that they would like the new partner to be part of the "community" is okay, but I agree the individual should be free to decide how much they would like to interact with that community...
This can be true for sure.
But-the other thing is-that there is a huge difference between saying "YOU HAVE TO socialize with my family"
"I only have 1 day a week available to date outside of my current family commitments. You are welcome to see me ANY day-but the other 6 days-you would be seeing me AND my family."
That isn't forcing anyone.
That is letting them know the limits of your time availability-which seems to be a damn difficult concept to a few people on this board.
My situation is that I have school M/W. I am NOT available those days AT ALL period.
T/TH/F I have the kids and no available babysitter. But-I am open to date or socialize if someone is willing to do it WITH the kids in tow.
Weekends I have a couple hours free to do with as I please alone. But the largest chunk of my time is devoted to family activities. Others are more than welcome to join. But I'm not available if they are wanting exclusive time with me.
It's not manipulative or controlling to identify your limitations upfront. It's honesty and actually freeing-because it gives the other person the option to decide if your limitations work for them.
I think of it as being very similar to condom use. I'm not available for sex without a condom. That isn't manipulative even if the guy wants to have sex without a condom. That's my choice for MY body. He can choose to have sex with someone else.
Likewise-someone who wants more than a couple of hours a week and is unwilling to socialize with my family-can date someone who is available more without contact with their family. It's not manipulative. It's my life, my time, my body, my choice.
Their choice is to accept or decline.