swirling and such
This is one of those "keeping up with my life" posts. Just a catalog of events...
My wife and I were on a trip this weekend. It was a good time for AM to be alone, because she had a lot of processing to do in her own life. We all missed each other, but not because of the relationship having issues - more just because we like being together. While we were gone, we didn't really have alone time - family and friends, a constant public space. WI and I wrote to AM as much as possible, via email, but I was pretty much off the grid for much of the day. Tried writing EL and AM when I could...
Got home from the trip and I went to see AM. Whee! That was fun, with serious giggling in between the sexy fun parts. Ahem. While there, I learned that she and AM had been flirting all weekend. No way! Huh, good to find out that WI is better at hiding her texting than I thought. Makes me smile. Happy for them, honestly. It's so cute, and they continue to go deeper into places they didn't expect.
Later this week, they have a date. Both get off work early (by coincidence) and zaZING they have a date planned. I had one planned with AM that night, too, but I suggested that the three of us have one. We haven't had a three person date in a while. Ahem. We also have one planned for this weekend. Yay.
I guess what's going on for me is a continued sense of intertwining. Some examples:
- I'm more than fine with AM and WI texting and flirting, because they need that relationship. It's intense for them both, as they deepen with each other.
- It seems that EL and WI are talking more, just really slowly, and though they aren't sharing details with me, I feel really strongly about the FACT of the interaction. There are YEARS of pain and difficulty here. As EL said to me, WI's disdain for interacting with her has been like a piece of shrapnel, working its way into her flesh and deservedly so. To learn that it's no longer a space of judgment? That is huge.
- WI was totally fine with me seeing AM - never bothers asking for details but was happy to hear we were happy.
- WI was sheepish when teased about the texting - it's a new realm for us to be safely in our own couples, and it's silly to "catch" someone doing something the other could have known about and doesn't need to know about... she's still a bit unsure of how to have this relationship.
Maybe that's something important. While AM and I are figuring out how to deepen a relationship we both want (and something we've had with others in the past, or like me with EL, in the present), WI is still struggling inside herself with the sense that she shouldn't be non-monogamous.
There are plenty of sore spaces for us to work on. I was attacked for EL, now WI has AM. That makes me sore - she gets to be safe, while I remain the asshole cheater. (Okay, given: I was a cheater, but I didn't know HOW ELSE to do this...) On another front, AM is going through some private hell, and that leads to a push-pull dynamic in which it's hard for me to know what to say or do.
And I struggle to know what I really want and how to ask for it. Before anything began with AM and WI, I would have asked for a relationship with AM... and what has happened is so much richer and more beautiful than I could imagine. We have no idea where we're headed, but THIS was not what I expected. I struggle with asking for anything, for fear that something more beautiful might happen, and asking would take it away. And I'm not good at speaking up, not good at saying what I really want. Especially when some of it seems impossible - but honestly, we're already doing 4 impossible things before breakfast, we're already behind the looking glass. Which perhaps is why I don't know what to do next...
Anyway, that's where I am today.