Thread: Poor outlook
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  #18  
Old 11-12-2013, 07:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,831
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I am sorry you struggle. Could decide to STOP struggling and ACT.

Quote:
But let's say they wait, we hang with her, and maybe a month goes by and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?
You seem to keep going round in circles with a lot of "what iffing" rather than talking about what boundaries there will be, and HOW you plan to move through this phase so it becomes him as the hinge of V shape polyship.

He could state his want to date this person. And what he would

a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for her to help in this transition
c) do for himself to help in this transition.
d) what he needs back from each of you


She could state her intent and her want to date him. And what she would
a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for him to help in this transition
c) do for herself to help in this transition.
d) what she needs back from each of you


You could state your willing and able to support them in this. And what you would

a) need from him to help you in this transition
b) need from her to help you in this transition
c) need from yourself to help you in this transition
d) will do for each of them


So far? All of those are colored red for "still pending." None are green for "good to go" because there's conversation that isn't seeming to happen here. So everyone can know what to expect, could hold each other and themselves accountable to agreements made for a transitional time, and move through the transition in an emotionally safe way so all can feel good at the outcome.

If all those things in red become green and are compatible -- yay! Proceed! If not? Do not proceed.

Have them LIST what their wants/needs are from you. Then YOU determine if these are behaviors you are actually willing and able to do or not.
Have them LIST what needs of yours they are willing to meet for you. Then YOU determine if these behaviors are acceptable or not to you.

That combo determines the big picture of answer of "I will still participate in this polyship while you date her."

To do it the other way of "Yeah, Go ahead. Date" without knowing what actual behavior to expect from him, her, or you? That's stepping into the big unknown and only serves to keep you cranked up. Nobody likes stepping into the void.

BREATHE. Calm down, have the conversation you need to have to assess what is being offered to you here. Then decide if it is a yummy enough offer that you will accept it and will be willing to go there. Otherwise... don't go there there. DO NOT participate any more.

You seem to worry you cannot deliver unspoken expectations of you. And you cannot. Nobody is a magical mind reader. Find OUT what is going to be expected of you and determine if this is something you are willing and able to do or not. If you are not sure? Have a vote of "no confidence?" That is not a joyful yes. So those could count as "no." There. Decision made. Anything less than "joyful yes" is NOT a "yes."

It really and truly is that simple to do -- TALK. Decide. Do.

It might not be easy to FEEL, but the actions are clear. If you want to be free of this feeling, you could take positive action and move it forward. Talk to your people. Then make the decisions you need to make based on the information gathered. Then do whatever plan you decide ultimately -- whether it is to go ahead or bow out.

That gets you moving out of the yuck. You can do this!

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2013 at 09:07 PM.
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