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Old 03-23-2010, 07:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Wow, so many responses.

honestheart, there have been some people that have come on here where they started out thinking that co-habituating was the best idea and they were gung ho about it and then when it came down to it and they moved in with each other too fast it fell apart. We have seen at least three groupings that this has happened to on here. unfortunately people don't generally want to come back and tell us that it didn't work out so we don't get to hear about it on here, but privately we have and there seems to be a trend of getting all NRE about it all and moving in together and then the NRE ending and it not working out.

In that, there have been those that move across country to be with people they don't know in real life, sometimes with their kids too or people who don't have anywhere else to go and think that the best solution is to move in with each other.... also failed and everyone ended up broken hearted.

Okay, so, just so you know? that doesn't always happen. We have on-line friends that used to write on here a lot and stopped when they moved in together... one of them moved from one continent to another. It didn't work out and they stayed in the same house but had different lives. It took the one that had moved there, getting her life together with a job and social life for them to re-kindle their romances. Now they are trying again.... you just never know.

I have always thought that there is no need to live together in terms of loving support and togetherness. Nerdist and I were never keen on it, but we wanted to raise a child and thought it was best for him. besides, it is cheaper in the end... at least here it is.

We have thought about all this for at least a year, or at least I have. I have always thought that it would best work if Mono had his own apartment and live in it in our house. At least as a start. I love going to my OH (other home) and would not want to give that up for the world. I am treated like a princess at Mono's house. I have no child there, can sleep in, have food made for me, not have to do laundry, or house work. I leave the place a mess every time I leave and although I apologize, Mono has never complained. I still want to be able to have that space with him where we are just the two of us.... cuddle him without someone walking in, have sex in his kitchen, living room, bathroom, without someone walking in..... nope, not wanting to give all that up at all.

My whole thing has been that I feel like my child is too far away from me. I am usually okay with it, but there have been times when he has woken in the night and wanted me, or been sick and Nerdist has had to get up with him over and over again, or one time I was really heart broken, because my boy had to go to a drop-in clinic due to being sick and I didn't even know that nerdist had taken him, because he didn't want to call and wake me up. I was so not okay with that and the fact that I was not there. It makes me teary just thinking about it.... not good mothering in my eye. I need to be closer and be more available. Hear sounds in the house, or the car starting... they are my family as much as Mono is now, they need to be together in my mind.

As well as that, there have been times that I have talked to Mono on the phone and known he needs me too and I can't go. This also pains me and I need this to stop now. I have been pulled back and forth for over a year now and need to bring it all together. I have waited patiently for everyone to be ready...

On top of that I felt like I lost my space in our bedroom when my boy was born. I slept most of the time with him in the bed in his room because I breast fed and when I went back to mine and Nerdists bed it didn't feel like my space anymore. It hasn't since really. I would like to have my own room at the very least. If not a whole suite. It turns out there is not a lot to go on..... 4 bedroom houses with one of the bedrooms as an apartment are where we are at at this point. So it looks like that is what we will get.

I will hold on to my dream though still LR

Mono is afraid that if he commits to this and "we" don't work out that he won't be able to bear watching me leave on dates with other men. He has committed hook line and sinker to our family for the long haul regardless of whether or not we stay together. If he lived in the house still he would see things he is scared to see and be involved on a level that makes him uncomfortable to even think about.... I have told him that I will always love him regardless, it's just how I work, and he knows that, but it is still difficult to think that he may one day have to give our relationship up if I fall in love with another man.... that would be the breaking point for him. He just couldn't cope with that at all.... I can't see why he would want to stay in the house at that point, if his feelings became too much, but he thinks he would want to... I also don't understand why my falling in love with another man (hypothetically) would make him want to leave, but then I am poly and he isn't.... at least that is what he says about it.

Anyway, thanks for all the thought. This has really helped Mono! He needed some support and other thoughts about it all, so I appreciate all that you have all said.
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