wow stitchwitch (did i spell that right, sorry if i didnt)
yeah, i've heard of that before, and actually had it happen!
i think it all boils down to not just about open honest communication...but respect.
point blank, i can understand the need to "renegotiate" however sometimes when you "negotiate" you don't always see the curve balls.
for example, you negotiate sunbathing works for sort term relationships outside the primary relationship but then find that same rule either doesnt apply or it hinders a long term relationship that has developed outside the primary relationship.
if you respect all parties involved, and are open and honest... you should be able to cover sum common ground.
but when that does not happen.... it leads to disaster and danger! it can lead to one partner feeling the need to hide for fear of losing a secondary relationship to the demands of "the rules"
dont get me wrong i'm not condoning cheating... hell no. secrecy, hiding, even when love in involved is wrong. it leads to wrong. it destroys...
and yes, part of me thinks that people use "poly" as a way to "legitimize" having cake and eating it too...
i don't think in this case i used at the very beginnign of this post it was huge elaborate rationale to justify cheating... or about being self absorbed etc. it was plain confusion.
but the situation just brought up the question of what by definition is an affair, and if you have an open poly relationship can you really be cheating... again, confusion.
i appreciate being able to pose such a question... cus it helps to clear sum of that confusion. yes, it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship. and yes fucking without telling no matter what the reason (confusion or not, recently ended relationship or not) is cheating.
as for "not being cut out for poly" .... i think if there is a serious pattern of hiding things, not being open and honest, and flat out lying then it is time to take a break (if not permanently) to evaluate the primary relationship and to work things through via monogamy....
my feeling is... if a person cant be open and honest.... if a primary relationship is weak because of a lack of trust... then perhaps said persons are looking at poly for something that is missing in a primary relationship...a kind of "i dont have strawberry cake here because i have vanilla, but i can get sum over there and still have my vanilla cake too" which is not what poly is about. least i don't think so. poly is not about fixing what lacks with one relationship by having another secondary relationship that has that quality the primary relationship lacks ...
Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-27-2010 at 02:17 PM.