It was another awesome weekend with E. I had been worried that things would change since we hadn't seen each other in so long and communication had been sparse while I was on vacation. I know he wants to see a partner more often than he sees me, and a month is a really long time not to see someone. But it just wasn't doable until now, between vacation and work and family stuff.
He told me that he is no longer seeing D, and while he cares for her very much, he won't consider her as a romantic or sexual partner anymore. Apparently she's kind of falling apart and has pushed everyone away from her- she specifically told him she'll be out of contact for a month. He didn't tell me the details and they're really none of my business, but I had mixed feelings. Part of me was a little jealous of her, because I had wanted him to feel about me the way I imagine he feels/felt about her. Although I wonder if I was projecting something that wasn't there- there's no way to know. I knew she wasn't really interested in having a full on relationship with him again, despite his interest. They hooked up a couple of times but that was it. And honestly, I never really liked her, and it had nothing to do with her relationship to E. I spent some time hanging around her and while she seemed nice enough, she just wasn't the type of person I normally make friends with, and that's okay. I didn't mind spending time around her (although honestly I preferred not to), I just knew it wasn't going to be a friendship. But now that I know things are over between them, I am feeling sad for him. I mean, while I care for him and try to spend as much time with him as I can, I'm a married woman with a family. I can't see him as often as we'd both like. He deserves to have someone local available to be with romantically and sexually, despite the fact that I know I'd have issues with it if he was seeing someone seriously. That's my problem, not his. I wish things were better for him. But yeah- the selfish part of me is a little happy and that makes me sad.
I was a little worried about coming home and H having problems, so I made sure to stay in contact with texts and short phone calls all weekend to let him know I was still there. Happily, he was fine when I got home- told me he had a really nice weekend with our child and he was glad I had a nice weekend, too. We had sex and cuddled and it made me feel so much better.
The time with E was great, too. I had really missed him after not seeing him for so long. I feel like it was really intimate, too. While the sex was fantastic as usual, I know that what I am really craving is that closeness. It made me really happy that we went out on a "regular" date and just enjoyed each other's company, and that we spent a bunch of time just cuddling in bed and talking.
It's interesting, because while I know I shouldn't compare relationships, I keep finding myself thinking about the things E gives me that I never got from L. L and I spent nearly all our time in bed when we were together, just going out to eat and maybe for a drive. We didn't really do social things together because of the distance and because of his DADT. I remember telling him that I wanted more, that I wanted to do more gf/bf type of things and he kept asking me what that meant and I couldn't really explain it. But this is what it was- just two people who like spending time together going out and having fun. This is what I wanted- what made me realize that I'm polyamorous and not just polysexual.
I love E. It was hard this weekend not letting those words slip out, but I've made a conscious decision that's the way it will be. We had that discussion back in August, and I respect that isn't what he wants from our relationship, so I have no expectations in that regard. It's still hard sometimes, because our time together can be so good that it hurts to think that it won't be more. But I remind myself that it is indeed, THAT good, and after five months it's still wonderful being with him. Part of me still has hopes that things will change, but I've made peace with the fact that hope can exist as long as there is no expectation.
Whatever it is, it's pretty fucking awesome. The little moments still stay in my mind and replay themselves. Just the little intimacies... him brushing some hair off my face while we cuddle, or his arm tightening around me while we're lying in bed watching TV. I know he cares about me, so I don't need to be focused on labelling it.
I love him. I love doing kinky things with him. I love having sex with him. I trust him. And I just plain enjoy being around him. For now, that's enough.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 10 years) who has FWBs. Dating Jennifer, 5 months, and Henry, 4 months.
Last edited by Vicki82; 11-11-2013 at 06:40 PM.