holy cow... where do i begin? ok... 1st off i am 36, divorced since 2005 (so i guess that doesn't really matter), currently in a relationship with a woman (we'll call "S") and another male (we'll call "C") now.
a little background...
i have known this woman since i was 16. we dated in high school and then split. after high school i got married and had 2 kids (now 16 and 14). there is a really long back story there, but not really relevant so i'll spare you all the details. about a year and a half after my divorce we became in each others lives again and pretty much became a couple. we were together for a couple years and split up. during that time together we "played" with other women (she is bi and i like to play). no intercourse was ever had with anyone else during the time we had been together. long story short in this scenario, i started dating one of the women (we'll call "B") that we played with, a few weeks after S and I split. B and I dated for a few months and that was pretty much the end of that. we determined while we were connected in a way that we can only describe as "on a different level", it was not the right time in either of our lives for us to be together. fast forward 9 months or so, and i started dating S again... this time around (are you keeping up??? LOL) everything really is great. we have our moments where we want to strangle each other, but a "forever" love is just there and not a question.
fast forward to the last couple years. we were introduced to C thru some mutual friends. C has become my best friend, my confidant, and one of the best men i have ever known in my life. i consider him an equal in every way, shape, or form. for the last 2+yrs (or so) he has become a huge part of my family and pretty much stays with us each weekend. we all do everything together. so, suffice to say is an integral part of our lives. in this amount of time S and C have fallen in love mentally and emotionally (but nothing physical had happened up to this point).
lot of fast forwards, but here's another one...
about 8 months ago, B made it back into our lives. B and S were and again are very much also in love, but had a lot of mending and repairing to be done. one big thing was S thought that i broke up with her to date B. 100% NOT the case, and now 99% of S believes that. then about 4 months ago (in a joke) S told B that she should just date C, so we could all just have fun and be in a relationship. at this time we thought we were different, and just saw it as an ideal situation for us all to get what we really wanted. we had no idea that there was a term for what we were. it was just an obvious solution to everything. i already love S and B, S already loved me, C, and B, and B already loved me and S... so the only thing that was lacking was for B and C to possibly develop into something. they had a physical attraction, and started on a mental one. during this time B is/was going thru a lot in her life. she was 100% in at the beginning and we attempted things. we had some initial rough spots where misunderstandings happened and S and C actually had sex. this threw me off as i was not at the level of acceptance yet. since then B is hardly around and has essentially told us while she still wants this, but she needs to focus on herself and get her life in order.
so it pretty much has just been the 3 of us (me, S, and C). for some reason (i can only assume this is due to my "monogamous" mindset) i am having a really hard time with the "sex" between them. i get everything at a logical level (ie. it's not an attempt to get anything that is lacking between S and i, it's the only element that was missing in their already built relationship, this wasn't some sort of plan for them to get together and have sex, etc. etc. etc.)... but at the emotional level, i get a pit in my gut feeling when i know that she is leaving to go be with him. which then leads fights and arguments before she leaves and after she comes back. S and i have great communication... BUT... it's always AFTER the fact. we fuss and fight, and then go to our corners, come back, apologize, and then actually talk and discuss things like rational people. this seems to be our method of communication for any and every thing. needless to say, C can't stand the way we communicate at all, but loves us regardless. LOL
in the past week or so, i have been trying to get to the root of what causes me to think the way i do. so this past week (when they came back), i reached my breaking point and lost it on them... pretty much attacking them both. my patience for the way i feel is wearing thin. not my patience for them or what's going on... just the way i feel about it. C took it upon himself to say that at this point in time, he is going to "pause" anything physical with S until i am more comfortable with what is going on.
we spent the entire day yesterday discussing and coming to an agreement between all of us on where we are and what is expected. i need to make sure this is just a physical thing, so i asked if them spending time together alone could still happen. they agreed that would help determine if it's just her always giving the appearance that she is leaving that is the problem or if it really is a physical thing. at this point i have no real idea what my "problem" really is, so we're at a "let's rule things out one at a time" stance. we have agreed to have checkpoints along the way to see where we are at and if things need to be adjusted in any way or at least get a "i'm ok, let's continue" affirmation.
the main thing is that none of us are in any hurry in any way. we all agree this is that "forever" type of love and time is not a factor. and for the 1st time, i actually felt that i had some kind of say in what happens within the 3 of us and don't have to wait until the shit hits the fan to say i'm uncomfortable in some way.
i know that was a lot to take in... so thank you for reading and for any insight or advice you may have to offer to us. we would really love to find some local poly folks to chat with, but have been unsuccessful in finding a "real" poly type group that is not just another "swinger group" in a poly disguise.