The problem is I don't understand completely and I have lost a lot because of my love for him.
I am sorry you are hurting.
But to me it seems you haven't lost anything because of love. You seem to have lost a lot of things because of your behavior
, and because you are not firm of purpose.
You could make up your mind.
Then align your behavior accordingly.
Apologize to your husband for...
1) breaking limits
2) Pushing for time with B
3) checking out of the marriage.
4) Lying -- when you swing when you don't really want to, when you have sex with husband and you don't really want to, etc.
Doing that could help your spiritual health if you haven't done it already. Don't go against your own grain. That is on the (YOU) level.
On the (HUSBAND) level... how is it "friendly" toward your husband to be doing stuff like that? If you want to be his friend... BE his friend.
Stop doing unfriendly behaviors. Talk it out. Assess if you are willing and able to revive the marriage and if he is willing able to revive the marriage. Then commit to reviving it with purpose. If BOTH are not willing and able? Then commit to ending the marriage with purpose. This wishy-washy blase attitude that is neither here not there towards the marriage is serving neither of you well OR the marriage well. It isn't friendly behavior toward you, him or marriage.
To end the marriage with grace and as peacefully as possible -- THAT is more friendly and respectful behavior. You could do that.
You complain there is no passion, etc in it. I do not see you list behaviors that HELP or INSPIRE passion to emerge that you do. Or that he does. Could call it the end of the run if neither you or husband is willing to put in the effort to tend to the marriage. Then that frees you up later to pursue B if that's what you want to be doing.
Could do this CLEAN rather than all messy crazy.
And YES. There is a risk that you will be divorced and friends with your ex-husband. And B is still not in the picture.
But you will have gained honest friendship with the ex-husband and regain your spiritual health, emotional health, mental health.
Right now you are in VERY poor health. Could take it one thing at a time here.
- STOP doing things you really don't want to be doing so new crap stops piling on to the load.
- START doing things you want to be doing in a clean, honest, ethical way. That helps shovel away the crap that already accumulated.
See if that serves you better.
- Return to right relationship with yourself first.
- Then return to right relationship with your husband/ex-husband person. If the relationship is now "friend" then update all things that need updating to make it so. Including ending a dead marriage. BE the relationship shape it is here. Honestly.
- Return to right relationship with B -- whether he's an ex BF or new BF or whatever. BE that relationship shape there.
In that order. You could honor commitments/disband commitments in the order in which they were made. Could clean up the old before starting new.
Restore order to your universe. You can do this.
Hang in there.