Thread: in over my head
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Old 11-10-2013, 06:47 PM
pcflvly's Avatar
pcflvly pcflvly is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 57

Love your writing so far, it seems objective (as much as romance can ever be), fair and considerate.
Thanks, I've tried to be objective, fair, and considerate but have left out a lot. I've written about what we have been going through but almost nothing about who we are. That's by design but I think some background would be helpful. Let me tell you about myself first.

As regards polyamory. I've always been comfortable with the idea that people love each other. I met two girls at the same time at the Disneyworld campground when I was 15 and spent the whole day kissing both of them and feeling the compersion from each as they shared me between themselves. I'd had girlfriends but never two and it felt fine. There was no jealousy and I had just as much love for both of them. Meanwhile, when I returned to the midwest, the cute blond waitress that I worked with started inviting me more into her life. We were just friends although I really wanted her. Eventually, one of the two gay men with whom she lived took a liking to me and they worked out a deal where I could sleep with her if he could sleep with me. The exploits of a 15 year old. Not to brag, it's just that I loved a lot of people that year and it was formative.

It wasn't long after that that I went out in the world and found hippies. This was the early eighties and there was still a lot of "free love" consciousness. I got laid a lot and didn't see it as at all unusual that people expressed their feelings for each other or that there were many different forms of relationships. During that time I witnessed a man with six wives court and marry his seventh. I met my first wife at that time too. She was with somebody and didn't leave him right away. That was my first experience with intense jealousy. He was hurt and extremely hateful about it while I couldn't understand that there was anything wrong with people loving each other. My girlfriends at that time would simply roll up their bedrolls and move on to the next brother. It always hurt a little bit but even then I could see it from their perspective and there are so many people to love.

That hippie girl and I... those were the days. It was several years later when we reconnected and eventually we moved up in the mountains. Within a short time we were married in a symbolic wedding (not legal) but soon after separated for good. Then I started meeting girls again and turned out to be the perfect guy for all the single moms. There were three regulars who were all best friends. I would help them with their kids, give them massages, and date. They all knew about each other and I never saw any signs of jealousy between them. I loved them all just as much and still do but haven't seen any of them since the nineties. We were friends who loved each other with no strings or attachment. I still looked for new people during that time and met many. One of those new girls decided I was the perfect man though and moved in. We were pregnant within the year. She was great. She accepted me along with all my girlfriends. Sometimes they would sleep with us and other times... I was free to be myself.

As many of you parents know, there is a before children and after children stage to a relationship. After kids the extras fall away. Within a couple years it was just me and her and more than ten years of monogamy. There was simply no time and we'd also moved away from my beloved mountains and strong local community to the lonely and isolated Midwest. It was years later when we found one of the yahoo polyamory groups and discovered a small polyamorous community in a nearby town. Although we didn't get romantically involved with anyone there at that time, we developed long lasting social relationships with most of the members.

That community eventually broke up but I currently live in one of the houses. Now we're up to the modern day and the pertinent detail here is that my gf and her partner used to participate in the community too. So there was a connection before we even met. Both of them have more than a passing familiarity with polyamory although they were never polyamorous, just swingers as I've mentioned.

Funnily, I think you might be the best communicator among the 3 of you, with how you've described things so far. They might be in for a bumpy ride if they don't get better at it. Both of them seem like decent people, as do you, although I think that both of them are operating with different perceptions of how these relationships work.
The feeling I get here is that it is too early to tell and I don't have enough information to really know what the dynamic is like in their relationship. I have an idea, a concept but they have their life and she and I have ours. When we all three met, it was obvious that she hadn't told him much about me. Not nearly as much as she has told me about him. So maybe they don't talk much. I just don't know. She'll tell me if I ask the right questions. I sense a greater level of inclusiveness from her lately and she describes an acceptance of the relationship from him.

Still, he has a list of things he wants to talk about with her and she says that she just wants to live. I suggested that she let him know just how much talking about things she can handle. I don't think anyone has an infinite capacity for it. She thought about it and said that she could only handle about 1/8 of it. (at any one time I assume) It's not the subject matter that bothers her but rather the volume of issues and the concurrent emotionally insecure intensity.

I'm glad to see you're as considerate of all sides of the relationship. A little concerned she's not as concerned as you are. Whether its NRE, being married to someone who doesn't inspire passion (common after two decades I suppose), devaluing her old relationship due to the shiny happy new one - whatever the reason - you're in the driver's seat of her priorities emotionally. Not sure I'd want to be in your spot. Too much baggage if things go wrong.
Tons of baggage, three teenage and one preteen girl between us plus I take care of a disabled relative in my home. As I said, I was resigned to being single and have been taken by surprise throughout this. I value my gf so highly. I feel rewarded, that the kindness I've cultivated has come back to me and it blisses me out that she values me enough to become a regular presence in my life. Still, I never have wanted to be an escape for her in her relationship with him. I'm not looking for her to move in with me but the thought crosses my mind. Likewise, I don't want to see a dynamic where I lift her up and he brings her down. That's kind of what's happening now.

Last edited by pcflvly; 11-10-2013 at 09:53 PM.
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