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Old 11-10-2013, 05:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

You are grieving the loss of B. Some of that comes out as anger at B, and some of it is anger at the universe because life is not fair.

Briefly, I get it. I was in a triad that blew up. It destroyed my relationship with the other female, and caused E to be out of my life for a year. I was heartbroken, but determined to move on. Then, E and his wife separated and began divorce proceedings. Both E and I thought this would permit us to rebuild our relationship. It didn't happen like that. E has been grieving the loss of his marriage and initially was worried sick about the well-being of his children. He has literally been in constant flight or fight mode. This does not allow him to even reach those tender feelings he and I once shared. It's not that he wouldn't like to; it is that he is incapable. I suspect that B is in a similar place.

Your anger is misdirected. You are angry at the guy because he failed to understand the emotional trauma that would be caused by the divorce. It sucks that he didn't know, but it wasn't a grand plan to fuck up your life. You need to quit laying blame on him. The sooner you do that the more mentally healthy you will be.

Secondly - and I had to come to terms with this myself - it is not B's responsibility to meet your needs. Yes, he did once. And yes, he thought he was going to be able to after his divorce. That simply means that he wanted to, that he hoped to, but nowhere along the line did it mean it was his obligation to do so.

My suggestion in regard to B is to forgive him for not being able to be all things to all people (and you do understand why his kids have to come first right?), and try to be the best friend you can be to him. He needs a *friend* right now; not someone making more demands on his limited resources. The divorce proceedings won't last forever, and the children will mature. The external circumstances surrounding B are temporary.

Last edited by bookbug; 11-10-2013 at 05:28 PM. Reason: Typo
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