Broken hearted lost bf and losing marriage
So here goes nothing, I hate these discussion boards but I need advice and since my situation is so non traditional I'm not sure what to do.
I'm not proud of this but about 3 yrs. ago my husband of 21 yrs and I started swinging. We were not really close emotionally or physically, but I loved him and just thought perhaps it was normal after being married so long. Once my husband and I started swinging (which btw was his fantasy to see me with another man) I found a real connection with another married man, B, who was polyamorous as well as a swinger. My husband and I were fairly new to swinging and we discussed limitations and one was that he didn't want me to play alone with anyone. The problem was that my husband and, B's wife weren't into each other and I felt so drawn to B....I had to have my way and I wanted to be alone with him. Well I pushed for what I wanted and spent 16hours with B the first time we hung out. Anyway, it caused major problems in my marriage, but I didn't care and felt my marriage was strong enough to handel a polyamorous relationship. I still wanted more, I wanted to be in love. Me and B fell in love, and I fell out of love with my husband. (not that I was in love with him with my husband but it just drove us apart even more) I wanted B more and more and my husband less. (I know polyamory is not supposed to be like that) I guess I had needs my husband couldn't meet. This is very hard to admit and I'm not proud I feel this way.
Anyway, B and I had issues and broke up 8 months later. I was devistated. I couldn't put him out of my head and couldn't fix my marriage either. I saw a psychic and without me saying anything about B she saw him clearly in my life and said we were soul mate I did not expect she would say that. I was even more shocked when she did. She said he would be in and out of my life forever. I had my doubts. I continued to stay in contact with B every once in a while. I also continued swinging with my husband and he had finally given in to playing alone so I had a new bf in the lifestyle, but still couldn't let go of B.
After a year of us not being together, B and I reconnected. I was shocked the psychic was right. I thought everything was meant to be, he confessed and confirmed his feelings to me and him and his wife divorced. He claimed I was the one and we would be together forever LOL. I lost more love for my husband, lost my bf in the lifestyle, another friend in the lifestyle to be with B again. 3 short months later he began to have legal problems and family issues and said our life are in very different places I
Was still swinging with my husband (even though I tried to stay away from the ls, I had to go out with my husband because it wasn't right that I was seeing someone and just left him to fend for himself). B was not swinging and he didn't want any problems coming about being the soul caretaker of his children so he said he couldn't see me anymore.
I lost so much because I took a chance and followed my heart. I do not know what to do with myself at this point. Its been 5 months since I've been with him and I just can't get over him. While I respect his choice and accept y he choose to no longer be with me.... my life is ruined. I was getting all my needs met by him. Now I'm in a ruined marriage as a result....I haven't had sex with my husband in months. I even took off my wedding ring. I can't have sex with anyone even in the lifestyle because I have an allergy to condoms. I have nobody I trust anyone and honestly just not ready to be with anyone else at this point. But I know I have needs that aren't being met and I can't rekindle with my husband. My husband can't physically give me what B could on his best days. Also emotionally and spiritually I'm in despair. I actually feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. I feel my options are limited I don't think ending my marriage of 21years is worth ending because I'm not in love with my husband or want a physical relationship with him. I'm so stuck. .... it's also not like I can go out and find a new bf. My husband really isn't for it, plus I'm still in love with B. I want to talk to B and tell him how my life is now ruined because of him but idk if that's the right thing to do either since he seems to no longer care. I want him back but what can I say to make him change his mind when he's gotta be concerned and be there for his kids. I already told him I'd stop Swinging but he's afraid somehow I have jeopardized his custody and other issues cause people know about us. It pisses me off that he didn't think about how this would be an issue before he started seeing me again and all I've lost because of him. I just would like some advice about what my next steps should be. Please reserve any negative comments about how I get what I deserve and blah blah. I'm trying to get healthy, happy, and have my needs met. I can't change what is done.