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Old 03-22-2010, 04:52 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Thank you for your input SJ and RS. And yes it is one of those times where it is easier said from the outside than done from the inside. Although I feel I need to defend myself on a couple of points.

I am not asking him to explain every action. I am only asking for an explanation as to this sudden turn around. It was not just in my mind or a seed of hope for more (which is finally quenched) that makes me think that our conversation went well. It was actual and mutual as he said that he felt better too with the unloading.

Secondly, he and I have hardly talked over the last few months other than the casual, "Hey, how are you?" small talk. We live 400 miles apart so it's not like we can see each other that often and when we saw each other last, things went very well, including the platonic kiss which at first caused me worry. We commented on walls and sent game gifts and that was about it for our communications. These last two talks were more in depth and more like what we started with when we first started forging our friendship, even before we started to think of each other as a possible more. It felt good and right to be going back to that.

As for the quote of mine that you used, I had never intended for the split to be final. It would have been more like a cast to help the wounds heal. This feels like an amputation with no warning. Even the other guy who I mentioned had the decency to send a message telling me his wife was insecure and jealous if we were just talking about the weather. Elric needn't IM me but an email or message just saying that unfriending for a while might be the best after all would have been decent and would not have filled me with any false hopes.

Yes, I am hurt. Who wouldn't be? Did I become so absorbed in Elric that I had forgotten there are others out there. Not exactly. Elric was the beginning of this whole poly journey for us, he is what inspired it. I don't even know if I would want a relationship outside of Cajun and I. I know I have mentioned that I hate dating. I hated "looking for love." I also will not subject someone new to a broken person which is the point that I am at right now. Jumping in so quickly only leads to more heartache.

I honestly and truly believe that after Saturday nights conversation, my heart was starting to heal, that seed of "hoping for more" had finally been dug out along with the roots. I felt better about where we were at then I had in a long time. This unfriending was not just a band-aid being ripped off, it was like having the scab ripped off along with surrounding skin and then lemon juice and salt being poured on and rubbed. This was the opposite of an anti-septic, this was having gangrene rubbed in. This was about the friendship, not about any notions of more.

I know that if I don't hear from him soon, I know I will have to just go on. I will stick to the original decision idea and after my baby is born I will attempt to friend him and see what happens.

I'm sorry if it seems like I am attacking you, but I am only attacking the ideas (and yes there is a huge difference). I am very much on the defensive right now as you can imagine. I do thank you for your input and in time, yes, I will be able to completely let go of the pain...but right now, that is not possible as it is too fresh.
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