Seventh Crow, in answer to your questions:
I haven't identified as poly until recently. ("Venturing out into unknown territories" meant dealing with the energy of Spirit, with creativity, with madness, not exploring sexual relationships. Sorry for the confusion) It is upon looking back at my life that I realize what has been there inside me the whole time. We have not, however done this with a map.
He did cheat on me. Cheating is about dishonesty and betrayal, the polar opposite of the emotional honesty and upfront dealings that characterize polyamory. My husband had a sexual relationship with someone else without my knowledge, while trying to soften me up to the idea of us all having a relationship in the future. I thought we were all exploring the idea of something together, but they were already experiencing it without me.
When I look back at my life before marriage, I see that I was trying to create relationships with people of more than one gender at a time. I usually had overlapping relationships with varying levels of honesty. I didn't know there was such a thing as polyamory until recently, but I've been trying to create it on my own. So, it is surprising that it wasn't me that brought it up this time.
An update: I stayed with my emotions as they peeled away. I was committed to feeling everything, to emotional honesty with myself. What was I experiencing? Flashbacks of previous hurts, constricting fear of the unknown future experienced as "worst-case scenarios", intense emotions like colors in my chest.
I went through a period where I felt hollowed out, but not in despair. I felt clean and open, though utterly ravaged. This was a good thing. The emotions weren't endless, even though they felt that way. I began to see clearly that I was safe. Because no one was lying and there was no chance they would be, because everyone was open to listening to my fears and desires, there was no chance of betrayal.
Now I'm experiencing such an expansion of spirit. I am filled with love. Truly the more I share, the more I give away, the more I have. It seemed cliched. Now I see it is truth. I have come to know this woman in my husband's life and I can see why he loves her. Indeed, I am growing to love her, too, though in a different way than he does.
I am constantly amazed. I thought I knew some things about life, about the universe, about the way the world works. I knew nothing, and I still don't. The world is filled with wonder and anything is possible.
Last edited by avena333; 03-13-2009 at 04:10 PM.
Reason: ETA- answer all questions-- had to go back and reread earlier post