And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...
Saturday night Elric and I had another talk. This was instigated by a new email I sent him requesting that we talk about a decision I had made. Or more, I was in the process of making. I had decided that it might be a good idea to "unfriend" each other on Facebook for the rest of my pregnancy (three months) and then start fresh in July. We could still email or text if something big happened, we wouldn't be ending our friendship, which neither wanted, but trying to back up a little.
When I was coming to this decision, I was afraid that he might "unfriend" me out of anger and not tell me what was going on (as another friend had basically done last Saturday). I was tired of other people making decisions that effected my life and as I didn't want to do the same I sent the email asking him to talk with me about this.
We had another very good conversation and it ended well. At least I thought so. I told him what I was thinking, assured him that I still wanted to be friends and that this would be a temporary thing, but I was still unsure if I wanted to take such a drastic step. He had said that he had thought about it from time to time as well when he was really upset and frustrated with me and my "not taking his word at face value," but felt that doing so would be hiding and he did not want to hide.
Things were explained and smoothed out and the unloading from both sides helped me feel less afraid and cornered into doing something like this. I said that I wanted to think about it a couple more days and he said "take your time." Then we said good night.
Sunday rolls around and I'm feeling pretty good. We both had our say and it looked like things were getting back on track. I was very proud that I was able to distract myself from thinking about him for the first time in a long time. He popped on that night for a few minutes and then off and I thought nothing of it really as he does that on occasion.
Later I was finishing up some of the games I play there and noticed that on some of the games we had both been playing, he wasn't showing up on my "team" anymore. I went and checked to see if he was still playing the game through the game page and he wasn't listed as a "friend playing". I thought it was kinda strange so I went to leave a message on his wall to see what was up.
I couldn't access his wall. He "unfriended" me. I thought that being told that he couldn't have a sexual relationship or a romantic relationship hurt, I thought that being told that he only loved me as a friend hurt...but this? It would have been one thing if he had said something to me, especially in light of how well our conversation seemed to have gone, but not even to send a message... I feel like a part of me is missing.
I sent him an email to see what happened as I am totally at a loss...I honestly have no clue what could have happened in 24 hours that made him do this. A small part of me is hoping it was just a mistake, hit the wrong link or something, but I know better than that.
I sat and cried for almost two hours most of which Cajun curled around me and handed me tissues (he is wonderful to me). He tried to cheer me up a little or at least ease the pain by saying things like, maybe Elric couldn't handle waiting to see if I did it and just did it himself, to which I replied, well at least I would have said something to him first.
I hate using the phrase "fair" but this feels so unfair. I thought we were finally, finally getting things on the right track, that we might actually get it right this time. With him not saying anything to me, it feels more final then what I had planned.
Now I have to wait and see if he replies to my email and see what he has to say. I think part of me would be angry that he had given me no reason to think he would do this but I'm just hurting too much right now. I feel so lost. I was reconciled and even coming to look forward to just being friends...and now this happens... how many more adjectives can I use to describe how I am feeling right now?
I have to go and try to take my mind off of this (yeah right) at least for a little while. I don't need my mom asking questions with my eyes as puffy as they are. Time to go act like a normal reclusive pregnant woman as opposed to the depressed and destroyed lump that I feel like right now. How melodramatic, eh?
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.