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Old 11-09-2013, 10:04 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Ok, that bit comes in when you're discussing with one of the red flag family style people I'm talking about. When you discuss why you're a fan of a hub style, especially in relation to trust, they become very defensive and will often call you naive or something because you don't feel it necessary to supervise your parners relationships in the way that they do.
That need to supervise partners is not a feature of family style poly at all. It's a feature of controlling, insecure people, no matter what relationship style they prefer. I've seen exactly the same behaviour, with exactly the same frequency, in hub-style poly as well as monogamy.

Originally Posted by london View Post
I dont understand why you are thanking someone for a post directed at me. Especially one that the person. partially rescinded once I clarified my opinion.
The thank you was directed at me, so you don't have to understand it. I understood the reason perfectly well.

I've rescinded nothing. I got you to clarify your position, and it was your clarification that I accepted, not your original statement by any means.

I stand firmly by my assertion that there's nothing inherently wrong with family style polyamory. That some people make a mess of it by having unrelated insecurity and control issues is irrelevant to the question of whether or not family style polyamory is a valid form of relationships. Just like people having jealousy issues is irrelevant to the question of whether or not polyamory is a valid form of relationship.

For each and every relationship style in existence, there are people who fuck it up. Pointing at the fuck-ups and saying "that's because they have such-and-such relationships style" is flat out wrong, a logical fallacy: "If there exists a black sheep, then all sheep are black."

What I accept is that you have personally run into a lot of these fuck-ups and this has coloured your observations of other family-style polys, caused you to put assumptions on them and then only see the evidence that fits those assumptions, and ignore any evidence that contradicts your beliefs. That's unfortunate. It's that kind of short-sightedness that leads to racism, sexism, classism, and discrimination in general.

My opinion will alter when I come across more people in a family style of poly who do not try and control their partner's relationship, demand to be asked permission to date someone they like, have sex with them etc.
I don't believe that you will. Your opinion is pretty clearly set. You HAVE seen counter-examples, and you've chosen to cloud them with your pre-existing beliefs. You can't see that which you have already decided does not exist.

Can you give me any examples of people who don't play that way, LR? People in family style poly situations where the members are allowed to develop relationships at their own pace without the most vocal and manipulative member of the network constantly throwing a spanned in the works just to remind everyone that they run the show? Do point them out.
LR herself is in one of those relationships. Her partners are free to develop relationships however the fuck they want. What you can't seem to comprehend is that THEY CHOOSE to only form relationships that are compatible with the family model, because THEY are not willing to give up family time in order to date other people.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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