Originally Posted by Inyourendo
I kind of had a dont ask dont tell thing. I wasnt allowed to do a number of things in my past marriage, i did them anyway, I wasnt trying to hard at hiding anything. for instance I was not allowed to go to bars, or drink out of the house. But I would frequently come home smelling like an ashtray (from all the smokers in the bars) I wasnt allowed to smoke. I did anyway and he never asked about it. I wasnt allowed to have a girlfriend of my own but I went out with my girlfriend all the time, often staying out until 4 am at her house and he never questioned it.
That must have been very difficult. When you say you weren't "allowed" it makes me think of an abusive or at least controlling and manipulative situation. Would you agree with that assessment? Or were these more like requests made by your spouse, and you agreed (albeit reluctantly) to abide by these "rules?"
Like, Gralson has expressed a very strong preference for me to not acquire a snake. Being as we share the house, it's not like he's just limiting my behaviour or putting rules on me as a person. It's his house too, and he has the right to live in a house without snakes if that's his preference. Between the options of "live without a snake" or "live without my husband," I agree to no snake.
I tried to think of a more "person-behaviour" type example, but we really don't swing that way. We respect one another's autonomy, at least in so far as it doesn't affect the other. e.g. if his spending starts to get out of control, I speak up, because it affects my own financial security too.