Originally Posted by SouthernGal
Speaking from the position of having been the other woman on this side of the equation, don't get your hopes up. When she finds out, she'll be hurt, angry, and feel betrayed and will likely focus that wrath at least in part on you. She may forgive him, but she has every reason not to forgive you. It's worth a shot, but let him take the lead, be prepared to do someserious groveling, and don't ignore the possibility that it won't work out the way you want.
I had a 10 year affair on my husband.
THEN I found out about poly.
It took almost 3 years of hell to work through the trust issues and start building a new foundation for a healthy poly relationship.
We DID manage to build it-with the man who I had the ongoing affair with.
BUT it wasn't easy. There were a LOT of restrictions, including us not seeing each other at all for an extended period of time. Not having a sexual relationship for extended period of time (I am talking year+ not a couple weeks or months). No privacy. No secrets. All emails, all texts, all phone conversations, all mail, completely open to my husband.
There was months of therapy with a counselor trained in trauma and communication.
There were times of living apart for dh and I. Once for 6 months. Then another for a year.
Only halfway through the 3rd year was he finally able to accept that lying and cheating was in the past, let that go and start moving forward....
So, yes, it can be done. No it isn't easy (or likely). Most people aren't willing to put in years of their life to fix something like this sort of breach of trust.