Feeling the limits of blogging as any way to convey the stories of my life.
I struggle to get a grip on the main points - who had sex with who? How am I travelling through life, with which companions, in what ways?
The second seems more important for this forum. But then, there's so much of it!
I renamed my blog "friends and lovers" but these days I've been thinking more about family, the people who are familiar to hold, the communities we create.
I've also been wondering about sex and intimacy, what it means to me, what I like, what I am open to trying. I don't mean sexual acts, but sexual connections with people.
Djuna's here visiting me. We just got back from a ten-day camping trip, which Ocean also came along for. Things with her are physically fraught, and it seems to stem from a language(?) disconnect. I don't know I don't know... I like her as a person, but I feel we're somehow in the wrong shape to flourish as a relationship. There's something going on in terms of mismatched expectations, I think? Not sure. I wish I knew what breaking up was, in this context. I get the feeling it would release something.
Anyway, she's here for three more days and we're now going to have some decent time just the two of us, so we'll see.
I feel like fucking would help us connect, and make sense of how we relate (maybe) or ease... the communication. Yeah. It would ease things. But I'm retiscent about going there. I don't feel in the mood. I'm not sure if I want to use the love drug with her. Why? I have no idea. How does this shit work?
In my other nebulous relationship (with Lobe) - I made a spontaneous trip up to see him, before camping. I really didn't want to take the stress of that with me on holiday. Seeing him, holding him, and talking helped a lot. Trying to resolve where we stood with each other long distance, long distance, was a bit crazy. To summarise: He doesn't like the thought of missing me, doesn't want to become unhappy. He'd take the sex without the intimacy/desire to grow together if he could. I'm not sure I want that. Also, I think he'd rather have both if we could make it work. But he's not sure if it will work and he's not sure how much he's willing to try. We're going to "see how it goes"... *grin*
I don't think I could do long-distance without any forseeable end. I want to live with Lobe, make house with him. It's impractical, but... I'd like to aim for it if we can? If we both want it?
I feel I'm ready to bed down and make a neighbourhood garden.
One more bit of travel - with Ocean, to the city we grew up in. Then back here, starting my new job. The next phase.
Funny side story - Djuna, Grotto and I went to a gig (before camping), and Plinth joined us there. Djuna and Plinth hit it off pretty well, and the three of them ended up rolling back to Grotto's. At the time I was a bit caught up in the headspace of sorting shit out with Lobe. Also, things were already kind of weird between Djuna and me, in terms of touch and expectations, and I didn't feel like joining in. But I was very very happy that they had fun - felt it took the pressure off me too! Was also nice to feel dispensable, instead of being a crucial hub. I took my leave of them, and headed back home, gave Ocean a cuddle, and then made the spontaneous decision to fly up to see Lobe the first flight of the morning.
I like the idea of everyone doing what they want to / need to do.