Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 11-08-2013, 12:28 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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I was happy that we were off today. It was a relaxed day. We spend every Friday with our son. Matt and I had a breakfast launch to attend for 7 AM. We did not leave the house until 6:55. It was not my doing. Our friends were like, "Why were you and Matt late?" We answered at the same time, "Traffic." There was no traffic. Early morning loving is what happened. Never have sexy times early in the morning when you know you have somewhere to be. In the afterglow and when I was snuggled up to next him, he was like, "You know it is like 6:30, right?" From that point on, it was a mad dash.

On the way to the breakfast, we talked about my monthly hell. It is not late. It is just not quite on time. I am only three weeks late. Before he went out tonight, he went to Coles and bought me pregnancy tests. He handed me a bag and was like, "I think we need these." I am probably just late because it has been a stressful few weeks.

Our daughter got out of school at 12:30. He picked her up, and my son and I met them for lunch. We took them home, so they could take their afternoon naps. He asked if we could go somewhere and talk. Of course the topic was what is going on with my uterus. He asked if I had any symptoms recently. Nothing that cannot be attributed to travelling, different seasons and weather conditions, and stress. I am on the fence about finding out right now. I want to give it a few more days to see if my unwelcome visitor decides to visit. I said I wanted a happy ending for 2013.

We had counselling from 4-5:15, and as always, it was productive. Matt is opening up to her more and more. He is not guarded around her, and I think he realises he can trust her. She actually has our best interests at heart and is rooting for us. He actually talks and has opinions. He has also been opening up to me at home, and I love it. I actually feel like I know some of what crosses his mind. When he speaks, I listen to him like a song. She is impressed with our progress and how far we have come. I ran the friendship with Si thing by her, and I thought our she was going to explode. She asked for Matt's feelings on it, and he basically said he trusts me but he will never trust her because she is a reason to worry. She asked if he thinks a friendship with her is a healthy idea. He simply said no.

In a short synopsis, my ex is unhealthy for all of us. Her presence in my life alone could easily cause progress to regress. Matt might become guarded again, stop confiding in me, distance himself from me because of her, lose trust in my abilities, and start questioning how committed I am to staying on the straight and narrow. All bad in other words. Someone that determined to destroy our marriage is looking for an "in" to finish the job. She asked me what my intuition was telling me, and I told her it was telling me it was too risky and provides no benefits to my life. "I think your heart and mind are in agreement about what you should do."

In other news.

My best friend was NOT impressed, and she thinks befriending Si is a horrible idea.

Her e-mail said it best:

Quote:
WHY? How can you consider being friends with someone who was uncaring and blatantly disrespectful? You forgave her. Good. Go get your blessings and walk on past her. You had a good run. No need for syndication or reruns.

You think it's your fault? Stop it. Is it the chef or waitress's fault at Maestro's if I order one of everything on the menu and can't fit in my jeans? Is it the bartender's fault if I drink all the time and develop a beer gut? No, I have the choice to exhibit self-control. I may want everything on the menu, but I can't have it and accept it. She wanted you, couldn't have you, and wouldn't accept that. She had the choice to respect you, him, your commitment, and your family, but she didn't. Who needs a friend like that?

She's the reason she's getting screwed anally with no lube. She put herself in that position. Nobody told her to tamper with what God and fate put together. I don't feel bad for her because life is all about choices. When making selfish, foolish, and stupid choices, there are always going to be consequences.
I have doubts, so I am trusting myself on this. I am fine with keeping the peace, but letting her back in? No, thank you. My judgement was clouded by empathy and feeling bad for her. My empathy does not dismiss any of what happened. I am not sure we will ever be friends again. I think our time has passed and too much damage has been done to recover from it. I will continue to wish her well, but this is where our story ends.

We are happy, healthy, and doing something right for the first time in a long time. Back to reading threads. That wonderful husband of mine is out, and my children are sleeping.

Peace, quiet, Ghost Whisperer, and blooming tea.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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