Thread: Hi from Here
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Old 11-08-2013, 04:18 AM
blithespirit08 blithespirit08 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post

I'm sorry he's depressed and dealing with a lot in his job and life but that *doesn't* make it okay for him to refuse a very simple, reasonable, easy-to-do request on your part. I'd give him a fixed amount of time to start showing some verbal improvement, mark in on the calendar and inform him about it. If the date comes and goes and he still refuses to express anything good he sees in you, I would regretfully cut the ties with him.

Of course, there's always the option of just letting him do this to you for the rest of your life. But does that really sound like a good idea? It's all well and good to take care of him, but you need to take care of you too.

Thank you Kevin. He hasn't read the book but we have both gone through the website several years ago... To be fair, he has made attempts to be more verbal.. he has focused on giving me compliments and does that a lot, which is lovely, and he tries to be more aware of telling me things he appreciates about me... (when he feels like it) Both of these things have helped and show good intent. The part that isnt' changing is in the reassurance and positive feedback specifically about the relationship. I think this is because at root for some reason he just believes its not soemthign healthy to want. (Or becuase, he simply doesnt truly want me, and for some reason, doesnt want to explicitly say that) We have gone around and around on this.

To give a short example of how this goes: he will say (as in, from the fight we had last night) something like: "You are right i have felt pretty preoccupied lately and i'm sorry if something about that is bothering you or something sweetie... i don't know just maybe you can explain a little more what you're feeling here or something, or if something actually is bothering you ok."

So, that sounds normal. He is always asking me to tell him how I feel and what I need. So, I reply:

"Ok well a lot of things you have said recently have been really bothering me. it really bothers me how many times you have said things like you are losing patience, or at the end of your rope, or super exasperated with all this stuff im doing, especially, when you said:

1) you don't trust me
2) you do not believe i 'can' be in a relationship with you
3) you dont see or acknowlege -any- effort or progres ive made over the last year

alll that stuff super depressed me honey and made me feel really shitty. i just dont know what to think about that stuff when ive put in sooooooooo much efffort."

I guess if there is one thing I did incorrectly there, was ask directly for somethign I want.... for instance, could you please explain what you really meant by those things, or, could you please tell me if those things are not how you really feel.. and that was an omission.. but other than that, I feel like I could not have been more direct and clear about what was bothering me and why.

It makes me feel completley insane when I am so crystal clear, and he replies:

"I'm tired of just re-explaining stuff i said or what i really think about these things or what i mean by what i say etc. and having you continue to just not get it, so instead of having that conversation yet again can you please just cut to the chase and stick to explaining how you feel, instead of expecting me to infer it from this list of what amount basically to misinterpretations of my behavior and things i've said?"

(He is blaming it on me, not hearing what I said, not paying attention to what I said, just arguing that its a misinterpretation? Which is silly becuase as a verbal person I have photographic memory for language.. and either way its beside the point, if he feels those things are not accurate, why can't he just tell me what he -really- meant instead when thats obviously what I want?)

"I don't have any idea why you are choosing to interpret shit this way and i sure don't have any fucking clue why it makes you feel the way you do - and you aren't even explaining what you actually feel. what you're saying sounds very accusatory and makes it sound like i'm a lot more responsible for how you take things than i really feel like i am."

(He always thinks its about me trying to make him responsible for my feelings???) How are I supposed to take it when he says straight out, he can't recongnize any progress I've made over the past year? I was asking him directly to make a positive comment on my progress.. to say somethign encouraging that would make me feel appreciated.. and that is what he said instead. How am I -supposed- to take that?

"That is why i'm asking you to please stick to what the actual facts are for you - which are your own feelings and your own desires, not "what i said" because we are clearly _not_ going to agree on the "objective facts" of what "really" was said etc. "

Why can't he just -hear what I said-?? Why is it so important he 'disagree' with what I think he said? I feel like hes calling me a liar. He asked what was bothering me, I told him? It makes me feel so crazy.

This is why I feel crazy and why I feel I'm talking to a wall. As far as I could tell, I just told him -precisely- what was bothering me and precisely how I felt about it.... I've told him fifteen billion times, I want him to =reassure= me, about he way he -really- feels, if those things are inaccurate.. that seems so obvious.. Ive been crystal clear. I tell him: I want you to hold my hand, and look me in the eye and say "sweetie I believe in us, I believe in you, I know this is hard but I want this and we'll get through it. I appreciate the work you've done I really see it and I have faith we can do this even if its hard." I've been crystal clear about that repeatedly. And he just -cannot- do it. I mean seriously, how hard is it to hold someone's hand and look them in the eye and say soemthing encouraging, IF YOU REALLY FEEL IT?

Instead he just argues that I heard him wrong, and blames me for 'misinterpreting' him, when he puts no effort into reassuring me that those things he said, or even those thigns I 'mistakenly' heard, ARE NOT TRUE... It mystifies me. The very thing I've told him over and over again is what I need, he is directly saying, he will not do... and he just seems to sidestep it over and over and turn it back on me. And I just can't figure out why.

Then he goes on to tell me why don't I do a better job of explaining how I feel and what is bothering me.... This is why, I absolutely feel as though I am going crazy. He just, ignores it. He just, ignores what he doesn't want to hear. And tries to make me feel like somehow, -I- wasn't clear.

I'm almost starting to think that he is getting off on this somehow... that its some kind of power play. I hate to be that way but It just is starting to almost feel abusive.

Our counselor is pretty good, but we dont have extremely frequent sessions because of insurance issues. I feel as though its become an emergency though. I am thinking of printing out the emails of this argument and just bringing them to her and having her evaluate them.

I want to ask her once and for all: is this need healthy, or not? Is this somethign that =is= healthy, but for some reason, he just cannot do? These are my questions. I simply do not get why if someone loves someone and believes in them and wants to be with them, its so freakin hard to get them to JUST SAY IT. You can see he accused me of a lot of weird things on several occassions, while totally sidestepping what I actually told him.... what in the world am I doing wrong? Or, am I correct, and he is just messing with my head?

I really don't think, my communication is quite as bad as he continually tells me it is. I really honestly think, that he is just messing with me and tryign to make me feel crazy so he doenst' have to do somethign he doesn't want to do.

Seriously what am I missing. I agree with you, there is absolutely nothing unhealthy about having words as your love language, and needing reassurance in that form..... I really don't think what I am asking for is too much or unhealthy at all.. or that hard to understand... so I just don't get why so much resistance.

I guess to continue this I should move it to another section of the forum? If I should continue this elsewhere please let me know. Thanks again.
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