I don't know if I'm doing it right by posting here in my original one (Blog style) but here's my latest update...
I am too weak to have M as close friend and not want/try for more. Today, we made it official that we are going to stop communicating. We have created a reason as to why we aren't talking anymore that is very believable and mostly true so that my wife won't suspect anything (I am so glad that I can stop new lies).
I regret that I ever allowed myself to get to the point where I would be willing to cheat on my wife. I know that I can (and will) love M and my wife. To be a real man, I have to figure out how to keep that love in check and not cross boundries.
I hope someday that I will be able to discuss my desire for a poly relationship with my wife. When I do that, I will also come clean with what happened between M and myself. That very well may cause a whole slew of other problems but I won't have it any other way. It's time for me to man up and deal with my own issues and the issues of our marriage (lack of intimacy and passion which is a long story but happened long before M ever showed back up).
My wife and I have discussed the passion and intimacy issue at great length over the past 5 days. We believe that it started with Post Partum Depression with our 2nd or 3rd child. She learned to cope with it without using meds. We don't know if she's still suffering directly by it or not but we are pretty certain that her coping mechanisms are still in place and causing alot of other problems in her personal life.
She has agreed to seek counseling about her depression. We both hope that by fixing her depression, her lack of passion and intimacy will return. I am going to seek counseling about my own issues. I am also going to begin courting her like I used to. We both acknowledge that I stopped when my courting was not "accepted" over a long period of time and I got into a rutt of not trying anymore. We both udnerstand why but neither want it to continue. I will court my wife again like I courted M. I want and need her love, affection, intimacy, and passion.
Anyone thinking about an affair... it's just not worth it. While M would give me the love I gave her in return and also provide me the passion, intimacy, closeness I want in a relationship... when I was not with her, I would think about her and long for her. When I was with my wife, I would long for M and then I would feel like an ass until I saw M again. I would allow the affair to overpower the "HEY DUMBASS" part of my brain. I am soooo fortunate and lucky that my wife never found out what happened. That would crush her and that is something that I would not be able to live with. I am glad I can see that now.
I love my wife, My children, and M. Until I get my marriage and my issues resolved, I am not going to consider trying to bring M into my family.
If anyone has any advise on how to not miss someone that you believe is another part of your soul, I am open to suggestions.
I don't know if my words have been of any value to anyone here but I will keep writting and rambling until I have a mod give me the "shhhh" command.