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Old 11-06-2013, 10:51 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

However, by the end of the night, it had descended into A and J discussing the possibility of dating. This caused me to be really upset. When myself and A spoke about it, we agreed that maybe it was too soon to be dating others- we'd only been together a couple of weeks and good foundations and trust (to me anyway) need to be established at the heart of a relationship before others should be considered. He also told me that she was the only other girl he'd looked at and that they'd been flirting the same night that myself and him had spent each other smiling at each other and txting under the table and all that romantic stuff that comes with a couple just getting together. Honestly, that made me really jealous, there I was so dosed up on NRE I'm hardly aware there's a room let alone anyone else in it and he was eyeing up someone else.
I know that some people like to "build the foundation" etc but others don't feel it's necessary. I think a common theme through out this issue is that you want A to feel and do things the way that you do them. If you get absorbed in NRE and don't have eyes for anyone else, you feel your partner should be the same or you see it as some sort of betrayal.
This sort of feeling is common when people fail to see their partner(s) as individuals and you rather see them as extensions of themselves. It's a similar things that parents do with their children. You know, like when they take it personally that their kids have different interests to them and they actually have no interest in their pastimes/career/hobbies.

Thing is, it came up a few weeks ago that he still liked her then this weekend, whilst I'm in my university town, he approached her to say he'd ask me about dating her. I got a message on facebook asking about her and lost my cool.
So, great he is in a polyamorous relationship with you. You have another partner and he likes someone, you should be supportive, not resentful.

a.) because I felt I should have been approached first
See, just because you were his partner first, it doesn't mean that you automatically have to give permission for him exploring other potential relationships. Some people play like that, sure, but especially as you already have another partner, why does he need to okay it with you? See, lots of people want organic relationships, not relationships that have to be structured and paced according to someone else's comfort levels, even if that person is dearly loved. Others like to practice that form of ethical non monogamy were existing or more highly entangled partners have agency over other relationships. This doesn't suit everyone because people like to go with their feelings, be spontaneous, not as your partner said in his thread, have to halt a conversation whilst they check in with their existing partners and seek permission to continue that sort of discussion with them. Polyamory is about multiple loves, and people often can't develop a romantic relationship to the love stage when they know it is actually being overseen by someone else.

b.) because I found out through her that he'd spoken to her and not through him
How long did he have to tell you about this? It simply goes back to the fact that you do not own him. You have consented to a polyamorous relationship now let him be poly. Youhave more than one relationship, why won't you allow him to develop the relationships he wants, his way? Don't you trust him? Don't you trust that he wants to maintain your relationship?
c.) because we'd already discussed that I wasn't happy with it
And again, why should you be able to dictate who he sees and who he doesn't? Why are you so threatened?

In the end it boiled down to a lot of miss communication and him saying "I don't feel like I can date anyone here that you're ok with"
And I have to agree.It seems like you have agreed to a polyamorous relationship with the intention of preventing him from actually haveing relationships with anyone else unless you can have direct and strict control over how and when he has these other relationships. It really isn't fair. You need to let go. Treat him with some respect.

One thing I absolutely wouldn't want someone to do is change who they are to fit the relationship, I'd rather end it for both our sakes and I am definitely not asking that.
Well, so far, you are manipulating him into making choices that he doesn't necessarily want to make and definitely not for the reasons that he feels pressured to make them. That's what your behaviour is doing, read his thread.

There is one thing unique to both situations and that's that in a poly/non monogamous situation I really feel the need to keep any relationships and partners very separate. I am more than happy for my partners to have other partners but I'd want to keep it away from my life. This basically means that I'd rather their other partners weren't in my social circles, which is an issue as with each partner, our social circles are so confined that people tend to know everyone.
Ok, some common ground. I really don't want a poly model that means we are highly entwined with one another. What I have realised is that a lot of poly people do want some level of involvement between partners and metamours and completely restricting that will leave my dating pool very small. If you want to keep your relationships separate, fine, that's your choice, but you don't get to choose how other people manage their relationships. What you can do to ensure your metamours (partner's other partner's) are not in your social circle is change your social circle. You can't expect your partner not to date people in the very pool all the people he would want to date swim in, the poly/kink scene, that is totally unreasonable. If this means so much to you, you leave that scene, so you ensure you get what you want, but attempting to stop him from dating likeminded, compatible people is really, really, horrible. Again, you manage your relationships as you need to, and you change your behaviour to ensure you aren't in a situation you don't want to be in, but you do not attempt to manipulate and control other people into meeting your needs and sacrificing theirs. That is not considerate, respectful or pleasant behaviour.

I also kind of realised that in my partners having other partners, i'm terrified of the NRE situation. I love the thought of them having that concrete relationship and deep foundations of love with someone because I think that can be so beautiful and rewarding. When A was with B, I was so happy for him and the fact that she just made him happy and smile. But now I'm suddenly acting like a jealous school girl? I think it's easier, at least when searching for someone to be a secondary to be their secondary as well.
I understand that you have an existing relationship which predates this one. Is that relationship one you would term "secondary" and this one with A, is primary? Not everyone subscribes to this hierarchical model anyway, so it's pretty useless for this. I think you just need to stop thinking of your partner's as property and his other relationships as something you need to govern. You need to work on your insecurity and trust issues and stop with the manipulative behaviour. You need to let him decide what he wants to do himself and let him make those decisions free of your restrictions and limitations. He seems like a good guy, who loves you dearly, and right now you are abusing that love he has for you by treating him this way.
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