r.e being approached first.
I think I want to know basically as soon as is reasonably possible and in a means that we can have a proper discussion about it. Which sounds contradictory, but I mean I wouldn't want to receive a text there and then. It's horrible maybe, but I'd expect at that time for self restraint to be shown between the him and the other person.
So-you need to talk to him about that and see how he feels. My impression is-he won't mind. I don't think it's horrible-I expect self restraint and I show self restraint.
BUT-understand, that self restraint means not ACTING on feelings. It doesn't mean the other person can't SEE them and HONESTY and integrity are IMPERATIVE in poly-and that means honesty to ALL people-not just you. He was honest in his interest to her-and his unwillingness to act on it. THAT is the kind of man you want in a relationship.
EVEN IF YOU WISH you had known first-the TRUTH (and this is something for you to really ponder at heart) is that you DID KNOW first.
YOU DID know he had a mutual interest.
You DID know before he said he would talk to you about it.
He had already told you that in the course of your relationship. It hurt you to hear it-but he DID tell you already.
Asking him to lie to her-that's unreasonable. Asking him not to ACT-that's perfectly reasonable.
Does that make sense?
Compared to this time, it shouldn't be someone I've said I'm not ok with him dating and he shouldn't say to her that he's going to ask me if he can take it further, until he's actually asked me.
Consider my above comments and then see how you think on this.
r.e not being happy with it.
I genuinely thought we were both on the same page that it was a no. But then I guess it's part of our communication issues. I really don't know how it could have been communicated differently though. I would have thought the amount of time talking and amount of tears spent had been enough, but then I suppose politicians spend hours talking without really saying anything...
He thought it was a soft limit. As in, trust could be re-earned and then it may change. AND he did ASK. He didn't say "I'm dating her and you can just deal iwth it."
Do you see the difference?
He was basically saying "I know this is the boundary you said when you were hurt and angry and insecure. But I feel like we've progressed from there. I'm still interested and I want to know if this is negotiable now. I feel like I've proven my love and loyalty to you and deserve a chance."
You're saying "no. There is nothing you can do that will ever make me ok with you dating this person who you are interested in, because that interest happened to start at a time that wasn't convenient to me."
IF that conversation were backwards-how would you feel?
Does it sound reasonable to you when re-worded that way?
I don't think it will. I think you can see that isn't reasonable.
BUT you are hurt, angry and scared and can't see a way to go through it without hurting more.
Ok. But-there IS a way.
AND if you two find it-your hurt will be healed. Instead of continuing to put neosporin on the broken bone. You could actually heal it....
So, when I'm with someone at a certain place, that's our space and time. When a partner and their partner are at a certain place that's their space and time.
Analogy was fine. I'm OCD.
BUT-this is a concrete action and you aren't considering concrete actions as resolutions, but large sweeping concepts.
Concrete resolution-you can have times there when the other partner isn't there and vice versa. I am in a V. We live together. But-they work opposite schedules. So they don't spend time together more than 2 days a week. I go out to date at the same restaurants with each of them, but not at the same time. We all have many of hte same friends-but we see them all together and in individual couples AND as individuals.
BUT-outside of that. It's not reasonable to keep it COMPLETELY segregated in that-the poly groups and BDSM groups you are all part of-are the same SMALL group of people who are open to that lifestyle. So expecting them to find dates in the mono, straight laced community is REALLY unfair, unreasonable and damn near impossible. There has to be give and take.
It's ok to say "I prefer to know if you and x are going to be there so I can do SOMETHING ELSE" but it's not ok to say "I don't want you to date anyone in the poly groups we socialize in...
Do you see?
Go read my blog and search NRE, chemical love, responsibilities, fear, etc. You'll find all sorts of great info on how to manage it, how to see it, etc.
(the image made me smile lot's and has made me feel alot more confident, thank you)
Good, I'm glad. Now-go have a great day tomorrow and take some time to learn, grow, talk and progress.