View Single Post
Old 11-06-2013, 12:57 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Well J is off limits because I met her so closely (in terms of chronology) to when I met S. S is not comfortable with this and I've always said she is my main priority... I always saw these issues as being to do with insecurities and things that might one day be possible to work through but I know following our argument yesterday this is a firm boundary that won't change.
Maybe-I suggest you both read the post(s) I just made on her thread. And then-as I suggested there, take time to discuss emotional flooding. THEN-discuss what the concrete actions are that are a problem for her (which does sound insecurity based) and how THOSE can be addressed specifically-not "this person is no because" but "this insecurity arises, to work through this so you can see this person I need..."

More generally speaking S would have a problem with me dating anyone that mixes (or might mix) in the same social circles as her. So that puts anyone on the kink scene or poly scene as off limits too. These are the main groups of people I would be looking to date, obviously only if it felt right. Alternatively I would be happy dating someone who I found who was curious about these points... but if she started dating me as well she would probably become a part of that scene quickly,
This reply is for you both as well.
Nope-that isn't reasonable.
Not wanting to socialize closely is reasonable.
Not wanting you to date in the poly or kink scene-not reasonable. AND I realize that in many places (like where I live) these scenes are SMALL. But-that's the reality of having alternative relationship styles-the pool of fish IS smaller.
She needs to really look harder into herself about what her insecurity/fear is and address it.
It's ok if she doesn't want to create friendships with metamours and it's ok if she prefers you not date her close friends. But to mark off the people in existing alternative lifestyle circles is the same as saying "you can't date anyone who isn't monogamous" which is absurd.

but I don't want to specifically date people outside of London out of choice.
THAT is reasonable.

I love her to bits and am terrified that I could lose her unless it's discussed properly.
Very important-but it sounds like she wants to discuss it properly too. It may take some time with quite a few pauses to let emotions cool. But-it certainly can be done and you will both be better for it.
If she can deal with her emotions and find a way through to compromising (which by its nature means that both parties give up some of their PREFERENCES in order to make things work)

I went to a poly meetup group in London tonight and some of the people there were really great. If S had been able to hear some of the things that they were discussing and if she had been able to challenge them and ask her own questions then it might have helped challenge her own thoughts and reasoning.
OH I have that experience too often. LOL! But neither of the guys is interested.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote