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Old 11-06-2013, 12:48 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Location: Alaska
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a.) because I felt I should have been approached first
Ok-so, you can't change the past. Best way to deal with being dinged/hurt is to address how to handle it going forward. You prefer to be approached first. Ok, so how would you feel about him saying, I've seen this redhead at xyz locale a few times, we've had a little small talk, I would be interested in seeing what potential is there"
Or
"I've been talkign with so and so and I think there is potential there and would like to pursue a relationship."
Or
"you know so and so, I think I'm starting to have feelings for them and am interested in pursuing it."
OR WHAT?

Some people just want to know "i'm going to start meeting people to see if I can find someone I'm interested in"
Others want to know when someone specific is of interest.
Others only want to know if sex is going to be pursued.
Others only want to know WHEN sex is being pursued.
Etc.

WHAT exactly is it that you were hoping for?
IF the same situation were to arise in a month, what difference in HIS concrete actions would alter your upset over this?

AND

Time frame.
I tend to be a send a text "wow, I just met this person and they are amazing I think I'm interested" in the moment or within a few minutes of the moment.
But neither of my partners is prone to do that.

We discussed time frames. I pretty much want to know the next time I see/talk to you (outside of work) if you have met someone that you are interested in pursuing.
ONCE YOU TELL ME THAT-I don't need specific updates until you decide either a) you are going to be sexually involved or b) you decide to be a couple.
The guys are similar.

But-we also have agreements about not dating certain people, like extended family and certain friends.


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b.) because I found out through her that he'd spoken to her and not through him
I understand this. It's a trigger for me, a "surprise" I don't want. BUT-he can't control her. He can only control himself. So-before addressing this; was there a REASONABLE time for him to bring this up to you? Keeping in mind that when I say reasonable, I mean reasonable for HIM and for YOU. Not just for you.
I would LOVE to know NOW, in the minute, when shit is goign to change. But-realistically, that isn't always feasible and certainly isn't reasonable. There have been times when an outside party had free time to talk socially to me before one of the guys and I have heard things I would have prefered to learn from the guy directly-but it wasn't there fault. It's ok if I feel emotional about that-but it isn't ok to direct that AT the guy. Because he isn't to blame.
Does that make sense?

Also-can't change the past.
So-in the future, how to handle this? How does he address a topic like this if there isn't a good time? Send you a text? Send you a letter or email? Drop it over a quick phone call? Tell you that he has some important thing to discuss with you? Etc.

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c.) because we'd already discussed that I wasn't happy with it
You discussed you weren't happy with it. That doesn't mean you agreed to it being a no. Why aren't you happy with it? What would need to change to make it workable?

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I am more than happy for my partners to have other partners but I'd want to keep it away from my life.
Nothing wrong with this. But-why? Because sometimes, the reason behind it CAN be an insidious problem for a relationship and needs to be addressed.
For example; if the issue is that you simply aren't as social and don't want to add so many people to your personal circle. NO PROBLEM.
But if the issue is that you don't want to address dealing with jealousy, insecurity or fear-not so much. That can be a BIG problem.
Does that make sense?

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This basically means that I'd rather their other partners weren't in my social circles, which is an issue as with each partner, our social circles are so confined that people tend to know everyone.
That is definitely a problem. It creates a boundary even if it isn't intended. It makes it more difficult for them to date-without reducing their time with you-in order to expand their social group. Are you actually ok with them reducing their time with you in order to expand their social circles? Because that would be the consequence of holding to them not dating anyone in your mutual social circles.
(I always like to consider the good AND bad consequences of getting my way-because too often I find that I actually prefer the "bad" consequences that come with not getting my way-and so I change my preferences after knowing the consequences)

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I also kind of realized that in my partners having other partners, i'm terrified of the NRE situation.
NRE behavior as a concern is certainly reasonable. This is a topic I have addressed IN DETAIL on my offsite personal blog. But-this is also something relatively easy to address BEFORE it comes up.
Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, addressing that NRE IS a reality-so what are the expectations and rules? What are the agreements for keeping it in check?
For example; we have an agreement about time frames for spending away from family. Like-in the first dating months-once a week in evenings or weekends-once a week for a lunch date. If they want to see more of the person, they can invite them over. Obviously-inviting them over doesn't work for you. But the point remains-it limits the "running off in NRE and disappearing whilst others deal with the responsibilities left undone at home".
Also-we have an agreement that there are certain "no phone/computer" times; such as in bed, shower/bath, family meals, our dates.." That means we aren't talking to others while we are spending these times together. It's OUR time. Which helps keep NRE from taking away all of our time.
These types of agreements made in advance-and one we don't have, but I've heard of and love is; in a relationship where one person is being an NRE-idiot, the other partner has a special word, like "sunset" and if they say it-the NRE partner knows that they aren't being sensible to their CURRENTLY existing agreements and needs to stop and refocus. Obviously-that only works with someone who is good at stopping to refocus in such a way.

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But now I'm suddenly acting like a jealous school girl?
Feelings, like weather come in and go out. Sometimes had and fast, sometimes slow.
But actions are a choice. You CAN choose not to act like a jealous school girl, even if you FEEL like one.
Also-there are some clear cut topics that sound like they have gone unaddressed. Which if addressed may clear up some of those emotions.

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have I been unreasonable?
Sure. Not completely and not with everything. But aren't we all? It was unreasonable to flip out without taking time to process. But, that doesn't mean you can't apologize, process and then re-discuss.
It is not unreasonable to have preferences. But-some of your preferences don't seem reasonable *in light of the circumstances*. But again-some discussion about creative ways to adapt the situation may resolve that.

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Placing too many constrictions?
Maybe so. But it sounds like, at least with the partner who is also a poster here, the real issue is that you aren't being CLEAR about what it is you want/need/feel. You aren't being clear about what WILL work. You aren't being clear about hard limits (not negotiable) versus soft limits (negotiable).
Time to really sit down and get clear with yourself-and then with each other about "how can this work" instead of "this, this and SHE won't work." Maybe "she" could work, if you had some clearer boundaries regarding concrete needs instead of boundaries about vague conceptual needs.

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Should I quit this whole non monogamy concept altogether?
Time for a little humor-with a HUGE amount of truth imbedded in it.
HOW MANY TIMES did you fall on your ass before you gave up trying to learn to walk?
(does that make sense? Are you smiling at the image? Keep smiling, and then think about it, HAVE YOU actually put in the necessary work to find out if you can make non-monogamy work? Or are you considering bailing because you feel silly that you keep falling on your butt?)
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