I AM SO GLAD YOU POSTED!
I read the other persons post and made the mental connection between the scenarios. I also replied on his post.
So I will also reply on yours.
**short answer, apologize for rash responses while drinking and emotionally flooded. Ask for a little time to read through what on earth emotional flooding is if you don't know what it is. Ask if you can speak to each of the guys individually about the topics in a day or two. Sit down and consider what the concrete actions were that were upsetting for you (not the person involved) and possible ways to resolve those upsets.**
Here are some thoughts-in the order they arose, not necessarily the order of pertinence or importance-as I read through your post:
A) Discussing anything serious while drinking or emotional is usually not a great idea.
Would be good to read up on "emotional flooding". I KNOW Galagirl has posted about this A LOT and quite probably in her blog on here. Would be worth you looking it up.
B) It sounds like you don't handle "surprise" information well. There's nothing wrong with that per se. I happen to be someone who doesn't handle suprise information somewhere. My initial reaction is almost always negative (even if it's a good surprise!) but when I have time to process I usually find the news isn't really a big deal.
That sounds like what happened to you to a large degree.
I have found in dealing with that a few things help. 1) I have to let my partners know this about me. So that if I do have a negative reaction, they know it may be temporary and I ALWAYS need time to process surprise info.
2) I created an agreement with them, that if they have information to tell me that may come as a surprise to me (like "I think I am falling in love with someone who up to a week ago I've always hated"-to which my brain went WTF?!?!?!) it helps me for them to lead in with something like "I need to talk to you about something that may come as a surprise, is this a good time?" So I can at least take a few minutes to prep myself.
3) I have to accept that OTHER people don't know me and understand this-so they will surprise me and if it negatively affects me; I need to GIVE MYSELF TIME TO PROCESS before reacting. (like someone one else says "I have been flirting w/ your partner he's so amazing" and I am shocked, hurt, angry, whatever- I need to take time to process BEFORE I go confronting partner. EVERY TIME)
C) I agree with you on the need to create a steady bond before moving forward; some people don't; but it's important to me. But it's critical to have concrete understandings of what that means, because we are ALL different. That means when you feel like "we're there" the other person may not yet and vice versa.
I couldn't tell if you felt like you have gotten there with the newer partner (I'm terrible with letters I apologize, I don't recall which is which). But it is important that you are both on the same page with that.
D) The other lady(s)... I find it IMPRESSIVE and maybe you can consider it from this alternative viewpoint; that someone your partner is potentially interested in, came to you to say something. EVEN IF you prefer to hear it from your partner first (as would I). It's still important to acknowledge HER effort to be upfront and honest with you. SO MANY PEOPLE find it easier to be sneaky and lie. She was upfront and honest with you-that deserves some positive feedback from you.
Also-it bodes well for her reliability and trustworthiness.
I don't know about you-but I know I DEFINITELY prefer my partners date people who are trustworthy and if they choose someone who CHOOSES to be upfront, honest and open with me directly-even better.
E) reacting to your partners interests: At least the one who is on here, he's hurt and feels like you have veto'd his right to date the one other person he has felt anything for. I asked him in his thread, but haven't seen a response yet, is there a reason you feel she is unacceptable? A concrete reason that you aren't ok with them dating?
I ask-because "feeling unsure" isn't concrete. But it sounds like there may be some history there.
ALSO-I have found personally, that often times, good communication and clear discussion of the EXACT issue makes a "NO WAY JOSE" situation, a feasible possibility.
It often helps to segregate the action that was a problem from the person who was involved in the problem.
As an example; "I am not ok with you dating x because he/she lied to me" is not separating the issue.
Whereas "I am not ok with being lied to. I don't trust x because he/she lied to me. I understand you want to consider the possibilities of dating them. I need us to figure out what boundaries we can maintain to ensure that the lying isn't going to be a continued problem." discussion ensues.
"Love As Thou Wilt"