When is it right to discuss other potential partners and how?
I could do with speaking with the forum about something... I'm still quite new to Polyamory and I'm kinda struggling with something.
When do most people think it is right to discuss taking on another partner with your existing partners? I'm just so confused and flat out depressed right now...
I met a girl called J last night who I have seen out and about a few times and realised I quite liked, last night I realised I did want to take it further so while talking to her I clearly said "I am going to speak with S (my existing partner)". Nothing further happened, nor had anything other than talking happened up until that point. I thought I'd played everything by the book.
When I spoke to S she saw that as me having spoken with the other girl BEFORE speaking to her and is furious with me. I agree that we should always talk before anything develops but that's precisely why I backed off when I did. In reality things can't work in such a linear way; I can't be expected to drop out of the middle of an evening out and say "excuse me, I'm just going to phone for permission to carry on with this conversation".
I know generally speaking this sort of thing involves getting the boundaries set up correctly and making sure everything is clear, but last night I felt I was approaching a boundary wall backed off, and was blamed for even looking at the wall and wondering if I could cross it.
Anyway S and I argued all last night, I learnt a lot about where our misscommunications were happening and when we calmed down I learnt a lot more about the way she see's things. She's still really annoyed that I even spoke with J even though all we really discussed was that we both needed to speak with our other partners. I'm gutted that I've hurt her and sorry for myself that I may have potentially lost her. I love her to bits and would never do anything I thought might jeopardise that.
I just can't work out how I could have handled this better and it's cutting me to shreds. I really do love her.