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Old 07-02-2009, 10:27 PM
Sai Sai is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Redsirenn, Thank you for your wisdom, your words resound with truth, especially that of loving someone for who they are in the moment. For a very long time I have been holding on to 'was' and 'could be'. He tells me often that I don't know who he really is, and that the person who he has been with me is not, overall, representative of his character. I often ask myself, and sometimes him, "How long do I have to wait before you become the person you say you are?"

You are very right to say that the person is who they are in the moment and should be related to as that person. For a very long time I have been waiting for change, now it appears that that change is in fact, by increments, happening - although for a very long time he was convinced that he was changing for the better, when in fact he was getting worse.

Regarding walking away from this, the thing is I wonder, not only if this relationship is right for me at the moment and if it has a future, but if it is right for him. It is glaringly obvious that he has serious and deep issues to address within himself and while he has made significant progress with much of his behaviour in the past months, I wonder if being in a relationship - not only being in one, but spending much of his energy frantically trying to repair it - is the appropriate setting for doing the deep introspection and soul searching that is necessary to address his issues. In short, if he would not be better off without this relationship, at least for a while. Conversely, while we all need a measure of solitude to work on ourselves sometimes, it is when we are tested in real life that we discover how solid that work really is. It is in situations that arise in the moment that things tend to go off the rails, while theory seems to plot a map to a shiny, smooth future.

My intuition has been in shambles but seems to be improving although I feel quite confused much of the time. Until he REALLY accepted that he had an abuse problem he would blame me, and I grew to accept that; blinded as I was, first by love, then by shattered self esteem and shame as well, for eventually I started to fight back using the same weapons, although I never had his talent for cruelty nor his capacity for volume. Now, after hundreds of hours of research, reaching out for and receiving the support of friends and family, and some counselling, I have come to understand that it was not my fault and I did not deserve it, although, and I'm sure having been in a similar situation you know, that is very hard to see in the darkness in of the moment.

Thank you very much for the technique for getting in touch with one's intuition, I will apply that.

I am not ready to make a decision about this relationship at the moment, but I found this quote that helps me be comfortable about that unreadiness:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Love the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, love along some distant day into the answer."
– Rilke
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