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Old 11-04-2013, 02:56 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,341

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I have to agree with FOL. He chose this. And this, to me, is exactly why poly is not a good idea. At least, or especially, if you want a relationship with someone who is otherwise single.

I get this, too, from BF: I give and give and give, and nothing I do is good enough for you.

Well, yes, he's made great sacrifices and changes to his lifestyle, that's true. And yet he still expects that a half-time relationship should leave me completely HAPPY at all times. Sorry, but I'm still left to fend for myself, as you are, when the hard stuff hits.
Part of our talk after the emotions died down was basically to say that yes, while I value being independent, there is this part of me that feels like I'm left to fend for myself when things get overwhelming, and that this part of me is going to keep jumping up and yelling (evidently) until I get the experience with whatever it is that's causing the problem.

He wants to swoop in and "save" me, but also holds back because he wants me to gain that independence (and not need him to get the wood stove going every damn day). It's a funny balance, and sometimes it swings way out of whack on both sides.

FWIW, I got a system now for the wood stove. And I got it before he came home to help. Yay me.

P doesn't expect me to be happy at all times, and has said in the past that if it's not enough, he needs to know - needs me to be honest with him - so that we can figure out where to go from there.

Personally, I'm also working on finding more friends of my own in the area - I spent so long in a marriage where the area in which we lived, the family we hung out with, the friends we shared, were all HIS. I need something of MINE now. Signed up on a couple groups on (woodworking, photography, and "makers" - should be fun if I can ever make the meetings ).

And like I said, he really doesn't use this argument much, and just blurted it out when the emotions ran high. I think he doesn't know what to do sometimes (when it comes to the family thing - does he reject his sister and niece because the time they can make it doesn't jive with the time I can make it). It's not an easy decision, and with all my emotional "why's", he didn't know what to do in the thick of it.

We do talk more later, and we do try to use those experiences to find a way we can better work through it the next time. And then the next time after that, if we still dork it up.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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