I'd be weary of anyone telling you what will be acceptable
in regards to A and T
I say it's up to you first, and fuck what anyone else has to say about it, how is what you decided being anything even remotely close to A "owning" you just because he is your husband?
If T is all about making sure both you and your husband really want to practice "polyamory" and he is fine keeping physical love to only hugging you passionately who is it that ultimately "owns" the relationship rules?
Why is the negative "owning" and "controlling" behavior assigned to your husband yet not to the people who attempt to pressure you into PIV sex?
and if they are not attempting to pressure you, then why are you even debating what is right or wrong in any circumstances other then you've already discussed things with T, and he demands PIV sex?
which in that case who is it really that thinks they own your body?
perhaps maybe the only way to not be playing this game of assumptions that all the poly gurus claim is a no no, you should sit down with both A and T and yourself and see if any of them start making claims of ownership where they are entitled to demand any sex or demand no sex without your consent.
I mean, we are all adults right?
How many polyships are sunk because some well meaning advice giver actually wants your husband to suffer through all that they had to?
I know everyone talks about jealousy of their partner's lover, but if they are really so genuine and forthright super poly, how come the jealousy of someone having way too easy of a time with polyamory and the sabotage from people jealous of other's relationships never gets mentioned?
Are people seriously that vocal and adamant that poly will be this way and must be experienced as their experience was, and are they honestly just trying to help you have a successful experience or is it even remotely possible that there is just a smidgeon of resentment or jealousy?
Lets say that T honestly just enjoys you for being you, and doesn't mind not even kissing let alone no everything besides PIV sex, are these people going to happy because all of you were patient enough to coast into poly or just happened to fall backwards into it?
My experience is you would meet the same hostility, if not more, and personally have become accustomed to saying "fuck all that noise" let them be pissed, the truth is not debatable, are you supposed to feel sorry for people who have bad relationships because their lovers are passive aggressive assholes?
maybe if they didn't agree they couldn't break up with people because then the partner gets accused of pulling the veto card,
My personal view of drilling partners is why try to destroy something that could be good if it were allowed to be "organic" instead of some asshole being force fed "poly" medicine?
unless you are planning on hitting every nerve a potential boyfriend may have, why hit them at all? and if you are going to do it to your husband, warn him first, otherwise you are just going to make the road harder to travel, I don't care what some poly guru says, if some asshole litters my driveway with nails, when I get a flat tire I am not dumb enough to think it was my tires weren't tuff enough.
I'd tell the asshole who caused the problem to knock it off.
this is all a moot point unless T is demanding PIV sex, no?
I mean seriously , what is the point?