Thread: MonoPoly Help!
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Old 03-19-2010, 10:12 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I agree with the others that your partner's way of handling the introduction was less than sensitive. It wouldn't even be a kind thing to do if you were already poly, never mind her knowing that you're monogamous.

At the same time, it doesn't sound like your relationship had reached any "status" yet (based on the "gone out a few times" description). She may not have realized your feelings were as deep as they were. No way for us to know.

What did she have to say about it after you told her how you felt about the situation?

Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
That's a tough one. It's an ad hominem rule that doesn't even work in theory if by 'struggling the most' one means experiencing jealousy the most. 'Struggling the most' is also hierarchical language that may neglect peoples' behaviors that were unethical. It excuses behavior by placing blame on the person struggling. Since jealousy involves the amygdala, there is no way to reason with jealousy. The only way forward is necessarily painful. Going at the pace of the slowest person appeals to our compassion, but there is no reasonable explanation for why that would work. This is troubling because it implies that some people are incapable of poly when it involves their partner(s) having other partner(s). Going at the pace of the slowest person also sets up double standards, where the safest way forward is possessive.
I think it works both in theory and in practice, and a lot of people here have personal experience to back that up. The crux is whether or not the slowest person is making an effort to work through their challenges as opposed to just putting up roadblocks to sabotage the whole process.

And I don't know about you, but I tend to be much happier in relationships with compassionate people who care about my feelings. I'm not a big fan of "I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want, so deal with it" attitudes... even though I want my partners to do whatever they want, giving me the opportunity to experience the growth of dealing with it. I just don't like being demeaned by being forced into a position against my will.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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