clarifications and commitments
I haven't written in a while, mostly because I forget to write about our own life. And, while things are changing, it's hard to write about them.
The past two weeks haven't been easy. Basically, the end result of what happened is that we have said out loud that we are in a committed relationship with each other, but getting there was rough, at times. AM had to pull back (with a promise of returning - she needed alone time, though), feeling stretched too thin and caught up in the contradictory things she was hearing from WI and me. Here are some of the details:
My wife was saying, at times, no, we're not dating. At other times, she was possessive and jealous. That wasn't fair to AM, and we've clarified that moment of miscommunication.
As my wife knows, I have been thinking about AM living with us, but from AM's perspective, I wasn't doing anything to move that forward. This felt like a promise, on the one hand, and a lack of delivery on the other. Again, that wasn't fair to AM, and we've clarified a lot of what was going on there.
In the process of feeling like we were saying contradictory things, AM wasn't hearing us talking about how much we wanted to see her. She was feeling left out and unable to get any closer to us. We got to the point where her time with us was painful, because the start of every moment was already filled by the feeling of having to go away again. That wasn't fair to us, and she's told us how much better she feels, now that she sees what is going on.
Basically, without us really paying attention, we've created a new fabric in which we are all interwoven. It's not that my wife and I are intertwined and AM is on the outside. That's what she was afraid of, and wasn't hearing us about our desire to be with and include her. But, it's clear that my wife and I have rewoven parts of our marriage, and that she's a thread flowing through all of it. She's part of the fabric, and our marriage doesn't exactly feel right without her included. This feels like a big step, and frankly, we're all scared a little shitless to realize what is going on. Suddenly, we're in a committed, closed, poly-fi relationship (except that they know about and are totally cool with EL, my long term long distance partner...). Wow. I don't think we're quite at the level of (paraphrasing dagferi) "I have two wives! how did that happen?!" but it sure feels like some major step happened. Just saying the words, talking about the fabric (in those words) was a big deal.
I'm really happy. For all the miscommunication, it was a classic moment of feeling "what were we so worked up about?" as soon as we understood each other. Thank god for the patience to keep communicating.
It's been helpful to have people who have been through this to write and PM to, but I do wish that the forum's system for private messages was better. How can you find the email you sent? It seems to disappear into the ether, until you get a reply (thanks peabean, you've been really helpful...). As always, the idea that there are others out there to give advice, or share some thoughts, is really great.