I'm involved in both a family style AND a spoke/hob set-up. The family style is developing locally between AM, WI, and me, and we're slowly merging family times (though it's taking a lot of the 3 C's... love that line). The spoke/hub is that I'm part of what we've called an N, but long distance, so I rarely see EL (and her husband and my wife don't really know each other).
What I notice is that I hear both of the critiques, and neither feel like they're pointed at me. There are those who presume to know what the other "style" of relationship means/does/is/entails, but I don't see myself in those descriptions.
If someone is giving you flak, I think it's best to know that you're doing a different style of things, and those styles come from very different structures and desires for different structures. You don't have to take their presumptions as your own. If it doesn't sound like who you are - you can be polite and move on, right?