Originally Posted by thunkybunny
That's a tough one. It's an ad hominem rule that doesn't even work in theory if by 'struggling the most' one means experiencing jealousy the most. 'Struggling the most' is also hierarchical language that may neglect peoples' behaviors that were unethical. It excuses behavior by placing blame on the person struggling. Since jealousy involves the amygdala, there is no way to reason with jealousy. The only way forward is necessarily painful. Going at the pace of the slowest person appeals to our compassion, but there is no reasonable explanation for why that would work. This is troubling because it implies that some people are incapable of poly when it involves their partner(s) having other partner(s). Going at the pace of the slowest person also sets up double standards, where the safest way forward is possessive.
Hm. Where jealousy is involved there is always trickiness in my experience. I have also experienced that being compassionate and giving things some time moves people to another undertanding of themselves or brings to light something that was covered before. Usually that something moves us forward. Everything changes. I am not interested in forcing that change. I would prefer it come naturally and in its own time. Yes sometimes its important to face and deal with things that make it uncomfortable but that for me is left to the person who is uncomfortable. That isn't to say I won't get on them about it or ask what steps they have made though. I'm just saying that some people feel fragile and see delicate about the complexities of poly relationships (especially when they are new to it) and should be respected enough to unravel it all for themselves, such as what the OP is going through. There is nothing wrong with feeling confused and jealous and asking for a slower pace, I reckon. Or being offered s slower pace. Its nothing to do with heirarchy to have the idea in mind of slowing down to make sure my loved one feels safe and nurtured in our growing relationship. We all have times in our lives when we need that, why would I not want to offer to them something that I will need at some point from them?