Originally Posted by redpepper
One other thing. I have always been a fan of going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. If she is interested in having you as a lover then perhaps she should be thinking in terms of this idea.
That's a tough one. It's an ad hominem rule that doesn't even work in theory if
by 'struggling the most' one means experiencing jealousy the most. 'Struggling the most' is also hierarchical language that may neglect peoples' behaviors that were unethical. It excuses behavior by placing blame on the person struggling. Since jealousy involves the amygdala, there is no way to reason with jealousy. The only way forward is necessarily painful. Going at the pace of the slowest person appeals to our compassion, but there is no reasonable explanation for why that would work. This is troubling because it implies that some people are incapable of poly when it involves their partner(s) having other partner(s). Going at the pace of the slowest person also sets up double standards, where the safest way forward is possessive.