Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 11-02-2013, 01:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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There is a change in the air. I have found that I, too, am no longer holding back. It feels great.

I am owning every thought that has crossed my mind, and I am standing by them. I have come to realise that I am over Si. I never grieve for those that are alive, so my grieving was more along the lines of self-introspection and improving on my weaknesses. I have come to realise that our relationship was over long before we ended it in March. It transitioned to non-sexual after my daughter's birth, and it happened a hand full of times. Like count on one hand from December 2007-2013. The last time being in 2012. The well had dried up. My heart was out of it, and my desire for her faded when that happened. Her libido was not ridiculously high, so if we missed it, no big deal to me. I am sure it mattered to her because I was her only partner and only source of sexual release. Tragic flaw.

I have come to realise that I hated what our relationship turned in to because it no longer brought me joy. I had myself fooled in thinking I was happy with two primary partners and subsequent entanglements. The reality is she and I had agreed that was never going to be something that would work. We knew it because it never felt right, and we should have stuck with that. The minute she decided that she needed more from me and less from others was where it went wrong. I had no say in her dropping all of her partners and focusing all energy on me. We were incompatible in what we wanted and saw for the future. I went against my own boundaries because I did not want to hurt her, but the fact is, I was uncomfortable with her being in that role. I struggled immensely, and I was able to avoid it and put it on the back burner because I was pregnant, preparing for my daughter's birth, and taking care of her after. Our therapist firmly believes I never wanted to share those moments with her, but I did it out several things like obligation, guilt, lack of romantic love, and to avoid hurting her. I just felt like I would have been the bitch of a lifetime if I had told her, "No, I do not want you involved in my care. No, I do not want you to be there for all the milestones like the first heartbeat or sonogram." When push came to shove, how I really felt about the changes shined when I was admitted in to the maternity ward. I knew the hospital had a limit, and I wanted Matt and my mum. Si was not on the short list of labour support. The third spot would have went to my grandmother. She met my daughter after she was born--with the rest of family and friends. She was not allowed in recovery either, as they had a strict policy about just the parents and the baby for bonding. I could have fought against that, but I did no such thing.

She had this fantasy of having me to herself, and she never let it go. She was okay with me hurting and losing my husband if it meant her fantasy could come true. Subconsciously I knew that, but I had to be in doubt. I have forgiven her, and I am moving forward.

I have come to the realisation that I should have let her go when I realised I was no longer in love with her and could not be there for her or love her the way she wanted me to love her. The sad reality is I no longer had the heart to do it. Sometimes it is hard to let go when you care about someone and do not want to hurt them.

All of this sounds cold, but it is what I always felt. I never wanted to own all of this because it sounds bloody awful. I once said it feels like I am standing in a room covered in mirrors and facing myself with every turn. Tis true. I should have paid attention to my actions and behaviour around her. They spoke volumes and were the opposite of what my head, heart, and mouth were saying. My head was saying, "This shit is NOT what I want." My heart was saying, "I have reached capacity, and Si is not in there." My mouth was saying, "I love you," but my actions were saying, "...as a friend and companion." I should not have granted her parental rights when I knew I was not even okay with it my damn self.

In my heart, I think I wanted to make it work so bad that I was willing to step over my own boundaries and create a new definition for "ever after." Not happily ever after. I tricked myself in to believing an interdependent model was what I wanted when it could not have been more opposite than my original vision. This is why I have adapted to these changes with ease. It feels like it did the first eight years, which were the happiest and most content years for us. Only difference is there is no one but him loving me down.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 11-02-2013 at 01:59 PM.
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