Originally Posted by peabean
I guess I have a hard time understanding how you didn't want to discuss having a child with your girlfriend? I mean, you'd been with her for 8 years, which is a really long time. She must've been a big presence in each others lives, so you would've realized how much she would be impacted by you having a child?
Eight years, but I really did not want that kind of entanglement with her. She was never supposed to be my co-primary. Let alone co-parent. Our relationship was not tailored for that. I am not a fan of hierarchy, but our relationship's natural state was meant to be secondary. It was never right after she forced herself in to the role of my co-primary. I dealt with it the best I could. I integrated her in to my daily life. I should have ended it with her then. That sounds bitchy and cold, but it is best if I face it and own it.
After she took on that role, my interest waned because the relationship stopped being something that felt good and easy. I stuck it out because I cared for her, but it was constant work, scheduling, and overnights, and arguments with my husband--when I listened to him--about her being too involved. I foolishly dismissed many of his valid concerns in favour of her. I even went over his head to grant her equal say regarding our children, and he was not okay with that or having to check in with a third co-parent. (I did many other things that contributed to the downfall, too.)
I'm not trying to judge, just to understand. From my perspective both as a mother and from inside a triad, I definitely struggled with my gf wanting a child with my husband at first. It was a huge sore spot in our relationship for a while, but eventually I found her unwavering love for ME (not just him) was what convinced me. I felt incredibly protective of her during the pregnancy, closer than ever before. I just wonder what you're gf's take on the pregnancy was? I've not known many people in the position I was (and hope to be again soon) in.
Feel free to judge. I will shrug it off. I have heard it all the past eight months. "That is mean, cruel, and unfair." Chances are I have already thought it about myself, and I am so detached from her and the past that it garners a blank stare from strangers and even those who know me best.
She probably struggled with it. If it happened, she never disclosed it to me. I did not want her approval or even support. I included her out of obligation and that new status as my co-primary. It was not because I felt some overwhelming desire to have her around, and it showed with who was by my side when I pushed my daughter out.
I do know she was jealous of my husband during my second pregnancy because he was my primary caregiver post-op. She came around after he was born and wanted to assume to role of mummy no. 2 with him. That was short lived because my husband was not going for it again, and they got in to the argument all of arguments in March. She has no contact with any of us including my children. That was at my daughter's request.