Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Could note what helped -- getting outside POVs, apologies, willing to "co-own" co-creating a fuzzy area, etc.
Could not what did NOT help -- trying to solve too many things at once, trying to solve it when it's too emotionally fresh rather than taking a time out to gather thoughts, texting, etc.
Then you can use that to help next time something comes up you have to solve together.
Definitely getting outside POVs helped. Me apologizing and being calm did trigger his own apology - but the way he wrote it, he had already calmed down also. We were able to more quickly get to a place where we can start working on clarifying and sorting out.
Definitely going to keep in mind in the future to not try to address everything at once.
Not trying to solve it when it's emotionally fresh is harder - we tend to blow things up worse if we ignore each other when we're mad. I posted the question here pretty much right after he turned off the IM and went to bed (thereby refusing to continue the conversation). But it's true, we were both tired and it was probably not the best time to start the discussion, right when he was pissed off because he got notification of the OKC profile visit.
Texting is the hardest one. We're slightly long distance with opposing work schedules, and he's partially deaf. So the primary way we communicate is IM-text, usually at night when he's at work. Phone calls are out even outside of work because of his hearing, and in person is much rarer than we want/need it to be due to scheduling and family circumstances. Last time we had an argument I tried to wait for when we would see each other next to talk about it, because we process much better and calmer in person, but we ended up returning to talking about it in text before that happened. We did sort (that one) out and find an agreeable place, so I'm reasonably confident we can do so with this argument, but I feel the arguments would happen less often if we saw each other more often. So, adding another reason to making the in person meetings a priority.